Why Won’t “Gamers” Play These Unoriginal, Ugly, and Overpriced Games Made by People Who Irrationally Hate Them?

This isn’t just about Concord, that game from heroic game developers that got paid for eight years in this economy to make a game that everyone seems to hate for no reason. It’s about all of us. And by all of us, I mean hateful gamers. Like you, probably, if you’re hate-reading this.

Let’s face it, folks, the gaming community has a real bug up its collective bum about the state of AAA titles these days. It’s like they’ve collectively decided to boycott any game that features a non-binary, polyamorous, pansexual protagonist who’s also deaf, blind, and rides a wheelchair made from the tears of baby manatees. But seriously, what’s the big deal? There are billions of such gamers out there, and no games made for them. Until now, that is. And you scum aren’t buying them.

I’ve sat through countless tirades online about how games are “too woke” or “pandering to SJWs,” whatever those initials even stand for. News flash, my gaming brethren, the world isn’t as white, cis, and male as your grandpa’s underwear. Wake up and smell the diversity, please! These developers are just trying to create games that reflect the rich tapestry of the modern gaming landscape. Not everything is for you, but you should feel obligated to buy it as long as Rolling Stone approves of its message.

And yes, I know, I know, the graphics and character designs in these modern games leave something to be desired. But isn’t that part of the charm? It’s like appreciating the rustic, “artisanal” vibe of a $40 plate of cold, soggy fries. It’s not about how it looks; it’s about the message behind the pixels. And besides, aren’t you tired of games that look the same – good graphics, attractive characters, and antidiverse everything? A little bit of “artistic license” never hurt anyone, right? Apparently we’ve entered a new age where regime-approved art is punished for being regime-approved art. That’s what “Get Woke Go Broke” really means.

As for the prices, well, I’ll admit, $40 for a game whose best character is a literal trash can might seem a bit steep. But think of it as an investment in the future of gaming. You’re not just buying a game; you’re buying a political statement. You’re saying, “Yes, I support equal rights and inclusion, even if it means sacrificing a few dollars and my sanity.”

As an established Games Journalist, I beg of you, put aside your preconceived notions and give these misunderstood masterpieces a chance. Embrace the ugliness, embrace the prices, and embrace the message. Because in the end, isn’t that what gaming is really all about? Progress, acceptance, and maybe a little bit of eye strain. Game on, gamers! Play along, would you?