Who’s to Blame: Men or Women? The Surprising Answer, According to Pseudoscience

Hey there, fellow woke warriors! Grab your pronouns and your pitchforks, because we’re about to dive into some seriously uncomfortable truths. Prepare yourselves, because what I’m about to reveal might just shatter your fragile little worldview into a thousand tiny, white, male, cis, able-bodied pieces.

So, listen up, because I did the hard work of reading an unpaid intern’s 20-page “research” paper on the latest groundbreaking pseudoscience craze sweeping through the halls of academia: Men More Stupider (MMS). And let me tell you, the results are as eye-opening as they are horrifying.

According to this revolutionary new field of psychology (which I’m pretty sure I just made up as I was typing this sentence), it turns out that men are, wait for it… *drum roll*… at least 47% worse than women. I know, right? Mind blown. Color me shocked. But don’t worry, haters, I’ve got the facts to back it up!

Firstly, think about it. Who’s always starting wars and messing everything up? Men, obviously. They’re like, literally the worst at multitasking and emotions. I mean, have you ever seen a man cry? It’s like watching a drunk giraffe trying to play the tuba. And don’t even get me started on their inability to remember birthdays, anniversaries, or basic manners.

But jokes aside (or, okay, half-jokes), there might be a kernel of truth to this MMS nonsense. According to my very scientific, totally peer-reviewed research (aka scrolling through TikTok for an hour), men’s brains are actually about 10-12% smaller than women’s. Yes, I said it. Suck on that, fragile male patriarchy!

And sure, maybe some of you naysayers will point out that brain size doesn’t necessarily equate to intelligence, but how else would you explain all their Mansplaining? I rest my case. Besides, we all know that size matters, and in this case, the bigger your brain, the better your ability to care about social justice and wear pastel colors without looking like a walking ice cream cone.

So, there you have it, my fellow woke warriors. The truth is out there, and it’s staring right at us in the mirror. Men, it’s time to step aside and let the superior sex take the wheel. The world needs more estrogen-fueled leadership, and frankly, I’m tired of carrying all the emotional labor. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some manspreading to report. Peace out, and remember: intersectional feminism forever, haters! #MMSMatters

Yours in solidarity,

Kasual Spinkman-Steed

(Author’s Note: This is satire, and the opinions expressed are not serious. Please don’t cancel me, I just want a cookie.)
P.S. – If you like satire, consider purchasing a bushel (or two) of Zzzzzzonky Irony Appreciation Pills. It’ll help you fully appreciate all the things you see on OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM. Without it, you probably won’t like them too much. (insert upside-down smiley face)