Walkable Cities are Just Walkable Fart Prisons
Stop trying to gaslight my nose
I’ve always been interested in urban planning and architecture, especially as it pertains to the way cities are designed. Growing up in Chicago, I learned very quickly how difficult it is to navigate such a sprawling metropolis without a car. Sure, public transportation exists, but let’s be honest—it sucks ass! You spend half your time waiting for buses and trains that never arrive, and then when they finally do show up, you realize you forgot to bring your phone charger and now have to walk home and get it, and then start the wait all over again. Plus, there’s the issue of having to walk through the same shitty neighborhoods every day – literally. People never clean up after their animals! And don’t get me started on animal farts, either – that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms. Literally? Do worms fart? Do people keep them as pets? What’s wrong with you people in cities?
First off, let me tell you about the people in these walkable cities. They are all smug and self-righteous, like they’ve never eaten a cheeseburger in their entire lives. They ride around on their stupid little bikes with their stupid little helmets and their stupid little panniers full of organic quinoa and artisan pickles. And don’t even get me started on the smell. Oh my god, the smell. It’s like a cloud of methane follows them everywhere they go. I swear, I could smell a vegan’s fart from three blocks away.
Then there’s the walking itself. Walkable cities are supposed to be great for exercise and all that jazz, but let me tell you, walking is overrated. My feet hurt all the time. And don’t even get me started on the sidewalks. They’re always cracked or uneven or covered in dog poop (which, by the way, is just a more extreme form of fart). I mean, can’t these cities afford to fix their sidewalks? Or are they too busy spending tax dollars on bike lanes and farmers’ markets?
This leads me to my main point: Cities are essentially prisons for farts. When you think about it, why does anyone want to live in these places anyway? Why would you willingly subject yourself to living in a place where you can’t breathe fresh air? Why would you choose to reside somewhere you know has a high crime rate, poor schools, no good jobs, and farts packed in like sardines?
And don’t let them tell you that the smell/noise/whatever is “actually just cars.” I know what car exhaust smells like, and I’ve met enough vegans to have smelled kale farts. Cars don’t become homeless, er, “dehouse-ified,” and sit on the streets eating alcohol and chili dogs and farting on whomever happens to be walking by. But, it’s clear to me now: you people in your walkable cities, you’re fart prisoners, trapped by your own obsession with wearing masks, localism, and crunchy vegan chips.
If you want to escape the fart prison that is your life, I highly recommend moving out to the suburbs or the country where you can enjoy clean air, a spacious backyard, and plenty of space to fart without worrying about being judged by some hippie douchebag on a fixie. Do it now. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck here forever, living in a fart cloud of your own making. Live free or fart hard.
