“Humans Killing is Problematic”: Next Halo Game to Feature a Cast Made Up Completely of Cats

Attention, gamers, look at me! I, Flavian Braggadoccio, have exciting news that will undoubtedly set your keyboard-smashing, controller-throwing, rage-quitting hearts aflutter. The next installment in the legendary Halo franchise is here to change the game – literally. That’s right, folks – the entire cast of Halo Infinite II: Infinity (yes, the title is a bold nod to our infinite capacity for inclusivity) will be comprised entirely of cats. And not just any cats, mind you. These are sleek, diverse, and unquestionably woke felines, each with their own unique backstory, personality, and commitment to dismantling the patriarchy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why cats, Flavian? Why not dogs? Or raccoons? Or even… *gasp*… humans?” Ah, dear reader, you’ve fallen prey to the same primitive, speciesist thinking that’s plagued humanity for far too long. It’s time to acknowledge the truth – humans are problematic. From their obsession with “free will” to their refusal to accept that climate change is an urgent, apolitical issue, it’s clear that humans are simply not equipped to handle the responsibilities of leading a galaxy-spanning military operation.

Enter our feline heroes. These agile, cunning, and undeniably superior beings possess the natural grace and intellect required to navigate the treacherous waters of interstellar war. Plus, they’re way more photogenic than those clunky, bipedal meatbags we call humans. With a diverse roster of characters ranging from a non-binary tabby leading the resistance against the Covenant to a fluffy white Persian master strategist who’s secretly a sentient AI, Halo Infinity is set to redefine what it means to be a hero.

But wait, there’s more! To truly embrace the radical inclusivity that defines our brave new world, the entire Halo canon is being retroactively rewritten to feature only cats. That’s right – Master Chief, Cortana, and the rest of the human crew have been replaced by their feline counterparts in every Halo game, comic, and tie-in media. Don’t believe me? Just check out the fan art of a cat in a green helmet wielding the Energy Sword, or the heartwarming fanfic where Cortana is revealed to be a long-haired Siamese who’s been secretly manipulating the human protagonist to save her kittens from the Flood.

And let’s not forget the environmental impact. By eliminating humans from the Halo universe, we’re significantly reducing the game’s carbon footprint. No more resources wasted on rendering human faces or animating their clumsy movements – just sleek, efficient cat models that will undoubtedly earn Halo Infinite II: Infinity a coveted ECOGaming certification.

But wait, you say, what about the lore? What about the rich history of human struggle and sacrifice? Ah, my friend, that’s precisely why we’re reimagining Halo as a series about cats. By replacing humans with felines, we’re highlighting the inherent flaws in our own species – our greed, our hubris, our inability to work together to save the planet from our own foolishness. It’s a bold, uncompromising statement about the need for systemic change… and also an opportunity for some really cute cat content.

So there you have it, gamers. Halo Infinite II: Infinity is proof that the gaming industry is finally waking up to its social responsibilities. By embracing cats as the new heroes of the franchise, we’re not just creating a more inclusive, environmentally conscious game – we’re sparking a revolution in storytelling. And who knows? Maybe one day, humans will learn to set aside their differences and appreciate the beauty of feline leadership… or at least stop using their precious carbon footprints to complain about it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a thinkpiece to write about how every non-ugg female character is secretly a symbol of toxic masculinity. I hope she sees this, bros.