Stop Everything You’re Doing and Read This Immediately! The World is Running Out of Tacos

Listen up, people. I don’t care what you’re doing right now—whether you’re binge-watching TikTok videos, scrolling through Instagram, or just staring at your own reflection in the mirror (we all do it)—you need to drop everything and pay attention. The world is running out of tacos, and if we don’t act fast, this will be the last generation to ever know the glory of a perfectly seasoned, crispy corn shell filled with ground beef, lettuce, cheese, and that magical green sauce from heaven.

Let’s break it down: Taco Bell has announced they’re phasing out their iconic “Crunchwrap Supreme” due to “supply chain issues,” which is just corporate speak for “we ran out of ground beef and no one told the managers.” Meanwhile, Chipotle is rationing guacamole like it’s 1984, and your local taqueria has started charging $3 extra for “premium” lettuce that’s literally just iceberg. It’s a crisis, people! A full-on emergency! They think we can’t tell what’s really going on again? How many times does this have to happen??!?

And let’s be real—this isn’t just about the tacos themselves. This is about the very fabric of our existence. Think of all the memes we’ve created, the late-night binges we’ve survived on, the social media posts about “Taco Tuesday”! Without tacos, what even is life? We might as well just start eating kale smoothies and give up on ever finding true love.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Slamara, what can I possibly do about this?” Well, first of all, stop questioning my authority. Second, take action! Start hoarding tortillas, stockpile your favorite salsa brands, and learn how to make your own damn ground beef seasoning (it’s just salt, pepper, and a dash of paprika, people). And if you see someone wasting a taco—whether it’s leaving a crumb of cheese on the table or throwing away half a shell—confront them. Tacos are sacred, and we need every last one. (And while you’re add it, grab all the eggs and toilet paper, too, just in case.)

But seriously, this is no laughing matter. The taco shortage is real, and it’s happening now. If we don’t band together and fight for our right to consume delicious, greasy, cheesy, spicy goodness, we’ll be forced to live in a world where the only thing on the menu is “artisanal bitch salad with a side of quinoa” and “gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, flavor-free nothing.” And let me tell you, I will not go down without a fight.

So, what’s it going to be, world? Are we going to let the taco apocalypse happen, or are we going to rise up and demand our right to eat tacos until we explode from happiness? The choice is yours. But if you choose wrong, I swear on the ghost of my grandmother’s enchiladas, I will haunt your dreams with dark visions of bland shells and soggy lettuce.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check my taco stash. Stay crispy, my friends. Or soft, that works too.