Trump Executive Order Requires All Chickens to Wear Tiny Surgical Masks

Finally, a clear plan forward for the egg crisis

Trump Executive Order Requires All Chickens to Wear Tiny Surgical Masks

President Trump has kicked off his second term with a bang, signing an executive order that requires all chickens worldwide to wear tiny surgical masks. The order, which has been dubbed “Poor People Need Eggs,” is part of Trump’s plan to “make chickens great again” and to “protect the world from the scourge of bird flu.”

Speaking at a press conference held in the Rose Garden, Trump said, “Let me tell you, folks, no one knows more about chickens than me. I’m like, a chicken whisperer, okay? And I can tell you, these chickens are spreading a lot of germs out there. It’s a disaster, a total and complete disaster, and the Biden Administration did nothing about it, as usual.”

Under the executive order, all chickens, regardless of their vaccination status or personal beliefs, must wear a small surgical mask at all times. The masks will be provided by the federal government and will feature Trump’s signature “Make America Great Again” slogan, along with a tiny image of an eagle holding a chicken leg.

Trump also announced that he would be personally overseeing the manufacturing and distribution of the masks, saying, “I’m a great businessman, everyone knows that, and I’ll get these masks made for cheap and fast. And believe me, these are going to be the best masks, the most beautiful masks you’ve ever seen.”

Critics have slammed the order as unnecessary and ineffective, pointing out that there is no scientific evidence to suggest that these masks can stop the spread of the bird flu that has run rampant in recent years. They also argue that it is not practical or humane to require chickens to wear masks, particularly since most of them live in cramped, unsanitary conditions.

But Trump remains undeterred. “Listen, folks, I’ve got the best chicken advisors, everyone says so. And they tell me that this is a great idea, okay? It’s going to save millions of lives and make America the envy of the world.”

The order has also led to a backlash from the chicken lobby, which has claimed that the masks will interfere with the chickens’ ability to breathe and lay eggs. “This is an assault on the very foundation of our industry,” said one spokesperson for the National Chicken Council, “the only people who should be allowed to abuse chickens is us, the National Chicken Council.”

Trump has been quick to dismiss these concerns, saying, “Fake news. These chickens love their masks, they’re great masks, really fantastic masks. And I can tell you, the eggs are going to be bigger, tastier, and cheaper, than ever before.”

The executive order is expected to take effect immediately, with the Department of Agriculture tasked with enforcing the new policy. Trump has also said that he plans to issue additional orders requiring other poultry, such as turkeys and ducks, to wear masks as well. He also hinted at a possible executive order requiring all cats to wear sunscreen.

“Let me tell you, folks, we’re going to be making so many executive orders, the likes of which this country has never seen,” Trump said, before pausing for dramatic effect and looking directly at 60 Minutes correspondent Lesley Stahl, “but I’m not going to tell you what they are, okay? You’ll have to wait and see. It’s going to be huge, believe me.”