Five Fearless Predictions for 2025, by a Board-Certified Magic Seer

As my loyal readers and true Slamara believers, you deserve a treat: knowing what’s going to happen in 2025. Since I have previously predicted such momentous things as 9/11, and such disastrous things as the rise of Nickelback, I decided I should let you guys know some of the things I’m predicting for the coming year.

And if you’re unsure of my credentials, I have attached a copy of my Certificate of Authenticity from the Meta Crackpot School of Technology, in the field of Magical Soothsaying. I am a real magic seer, and I have the papers to prove it.

Anyway, on with the predictions!

(for legal purposes I must state clearly that these are not “predictions” and I am not legally responsible for anything that happens to my readers for any reason, ever)

1) A new Zoomer political party will emerge in the United States called the “Skibidi Anti-Reality Party.” This party will be led by a charismatic leader who promises to make America great again by denying the existence of reality altogether. The party’s slogan will be “If you don’t like reality, just close your eyes and skibidi it away!” The Skibidi Anti-Reality Party will sweep to power in a landslide victory, and its first act will be to pass a law making it illegal to acknowledge the existence of the real world. Anyone caught saying that reality is real will be immediately arrested and forced to watch either Fox News or MSNBC for 48 hours straight as punishment. I, for one, am shook.

2) Elon Musk will not actually cut two trillion dollars out of the federal budget as a member of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) in Donald Trump’s cabinet, like he claimed. He will make up for this, however, by finding two trillion dollars’ worth of spare Insurance Company bribes in the cushions of the Presidential Couch. Obama forgot about them, apparently.

3) Chimichangas will become the most popular food on the planet, overtaking even pizza. This will be due to a viral TikTok video in which a cute puppy tries to eat a chimichanga but fails adorably. The video will rack up billions of views, and suddenly everyone will be obsessed with chimichangas. Taco Bell will see its stock price quadruple overnight.

4) Scientists at CERN will finally announce the discovery of the elusive “God Particle” that has been the subject of so much speculation and research. However, upon further examination, it will turn out to be just a really big dust bunny that got sucked into the Large Hadron Collider accidentally. The scientists will try to keep this a secret, but it will be leaked by Edward Snowden, who will tweet about it from his exile in Russia while eating a chimichanga.

5) Finally, Taylor Swift will finally admit the truth: The real “Taylor Swift” disappeared in 2008, and several clones have been playing the “Taylor Swift” role ever since. That’s why she sucks so bad, and has such bad taste in men. This shocking news will only make her more popular with the Swifites. Is there a 2028 Presidential run in the works for Tay Swoo Clone #205?

I know, but I’m not going to tell you.