The Surprising Benefits Of Eating Dirt (And Where To Find The Best Dirt Near You)

Oh, dirt. Isn’t it fascinating? Whether it’s mud, clay, or sand, there’s nothing quite like a good scoop of dirt. And did you know that eating it can be good for you?

Meet Dr. Daisy Dirtle, a renowned medical doctor and eater of dirt. She says that ingesting a scoop or two of the stuff can have numerous health benefits.

“Dirt is full of good bacteria,” she says. “Just a little bit can help improve your digestive system and strengthen your immune system. Plus, it’s yummy and free, and who doesn’t love yummy and free things? Certainly not me. I live for them.”

Dr. Dirtie isn’t the only one who has discovered the wonders of dirt. In fact, millions of people have started incorporating the stuff into their everyday lives.

“I eat a spoonful of dirt before bed every night, and I haven’t had a cavity since I was 12,” says Jake Chimpington, a 25-year-old truck driver. “Of course, I also brush my teeth religiously. Teeth brushing is literally my Lord and Saviour.”

“I add a dash of dirt to my morning coffee,” says Kristin Kittenfarger, a 40-year-old yoga instructor. “I’m not sure exactly how or why, but I have a lot of energy and am sleeping like a baby.”

Of course, not everyone is a fan.

“I can’t recommend that people eat dirt,” says Dr. Sarah Sleazensbaum, a renowned surgeon and dirt hater. “There are no real health benefits, and it can actually be harmful to your health. Please, stop doing this. I cannot emphasize this enough. I’m tired of pulling dirt clods out of people.”

Nevertheless, the dirt-eating movement continues to grow. Everyone wants a taste of the delicious, nutritious dirt that’s available everywhere. So, go ahead. Give it a try. If anyone asks, you can blame it on the pandemic, which is an unprecedented event in our history and is probably causing us to do all sorts of weird stuff!

P.S. If you’re interested in experiencing the magic of dirt-eating, check out our line of ZZZZZOnky Diadiamea Pills. They’ll give you an instant boost and help you digest your meals, including the occasional mound of dirt. This month only, they’re half price if you use the code “KASULA” on their website. And by half price, I mean half of the already-doubled price it usually is!

As for how to find the best and most delicious dirt in your area, that’s a tricky question. Some experts recommend starting with a garden supply store, while others prefer a hardware store or even the closest beach. Personally, I just follow my nose and eat wherever I can find the richest, rarest, and yummiest dirt. The taste is unforgettable, and the results can be profound.*

* Editor’s note: This article is definitely clickbait, and therefore not a recommendation, and cannot be trusted. Eat dirt at your own peril.