Windows New “Recall” Feature: A Great Start, But Does it Invade Your Privacy Enough?

Microsoft just dropped a game-changer, and no, I’m not talking about their newest Xbox console or a flashy new laptop. No, people, we’re talking about the new Recall AI Feature in Windows 11/10. And let me tell you, it’s exactly what we all need to keep our past selves in check.

Yeah, you heard that right: Recall AI takes a screencap of your computer screen every few seconds, then uses artificial intelligence (AI) to scan it for any shady stuff you might’ve done. Want to accidentally-on-purpose visit questionable websites when your significant other is away? Better delete those history files, Casanova! Think you can sneak in some extra Candy Crush when your boss isn’t looking? Not anymore, slacker! Recall AI’s got your digital behind covered. And like that time you ate boogers in elementary school, it stays on your permanent record forever.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Markus Sbackson III, is this not a bit, you know, invasive? Don’t we have a right to our privacy?” And to that, I say: pfft, get real, grandpa. It’s just Microsoft’s cool new AI, not the NSA. Besides, haven’t we all secretly wanted someone (or something) to keep tabs on us, just to make sure we’re not making any huge blunders that Twitter might not know about? Trust me, in this age of data breaches and identity theft, a little cyber-judgment can go a long way. As a journalist who doesn’t believe in Cancel Culture but indulges in it every day, this could be a game-changer.

But here’s the thing: as groundbreaking as Recall AI is, it still doesn’t go far enough. Sure, it can tell if you visited a questionable website or played too much solitaire. But what about those sneakier self-inflicted transgressions? You know, like when you accidentally buy a pair of non-Vegan sneakers you don’t even need, or when you hit “send” on a passive-aggressive email you immediately regret?

That’s where I present to you my brilliant idea: the Markus AI-MindPal Feature. That’s right, folks: imagine if you could hook yourself up to an EEGEGH (Electroencephalography/Electrooculography Game-Changer Gadget) that could pick up on your brainwaves and eye movements. Then, pair it with a state-of-the-art natural language processing system, and voila: AI that can literally read your mind, catch you in the act of making bad decisions, and stop you dead in your tracks.

Don’t believe me? Well, just picture it: you’re about to click “buy” on those leather Louboutins you can’t afford, when suddenly, a stern (and very lifelike – perhaps based on your mom) female AI voice pipes up in your ear: “Markus Sbackson III, are you really sure you want to support the animal leather industry?” And then, just when you’re about to type out that savage email to your coworker, whammo: “Markus Sbackson III, you really should rethink using gendered words like ‘she’ and ‘moron’ to express your dissatisfaction. Don’t you remember your mom’s old saying about throwing stones in glass houses?”

Now that’s what I call judgment, folks. And honestly, I don’t know why Microsoft isn’t already paying me millions of dollars to make it a reality. Hey, if Elon Musk can have his Boring Company and SpaceX, I can have my Markus AI-MindPal Feature. You just wait and see, world! I’m about to revolutionize your decision-making process, and your life, forever.