Looks Like It’s Finally Time to Move to Canada – Let’s Make That Fun!

With the U.S.A. turning into a real-life Hunger Games dystopia under the thumb of Former President Orange Julius Caesar and Current President Boneshaking Biden, more and more Americans are looking northward to escape the madness. And who can blame them? You’re not going to Mexico, it’s a hell hole. And Canada has universal healthcare, progressive social policies, and, of course, the dreamiest Prime Minister the world has ever seen, Justin Trudeau.

But moving to another country isn’t easy, folks. There’s paperwork, visas, packing… and finding a job once you get there. Fear not, fellow liberals and #resistors, for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM has come up with the ultimate guide to immigrating to Canada… the fun way!

1. Dye your hair blonde (if you’re not blonde already) – Canadians love their blondes, just ask Justin’s wife, the gorgeous Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau! Plus, having the same hair color as our dreamy PM’s wife won’t hurt your chances of catching his eye at a future town hall, will it?
2. Learn some French – Sure, French isn’t even the primary language in Quebec, but you know what is? BAE-RUE! (That’s “bonjour” in Québécois French, btw) Impress the locals with your knowledge of their sexy accent and you’ll be sipping maple syrup martinis in Montreal before you know it.
3. Get to know our NHL teams – Hockey is Canada’s national sport, so you better pick a team, and stick with them (ba-dum-tss). Bonus points if you can actually skate! Just kidding, nobody in Canada can actually skate. But it’s the trying that counts!
4. Apologize a lot – Canadians are famous for their politeness, and what better way to show you’re sorry-uh, sorry about being American than constantly saying sorry for literally nothing? It’s the quintessential Canadian move, just ask Justin himself!
5. Vote for Justin Trudeau – Okay, so technically you won’t be eligible to vote in the next Canadian election, but you can still show your support by sporting a JT T-shirt or a Justin Trudeau poster in your new Canadian apartment. Trust us, your new Canadian neighbors and coworkers will definitely not notice that it’s technically illegal for you to do so. But hey, ends justify the means, right?
6. Sign up for MAID – Yep, that’s Medical Assistance in Dying, the Canadian version of euthanasia. We’re kidding, of course! But if things really go south in the U.S. and you’re considering packing it all up and moving north, it’s good to have all your options on the table, right?

Good luck on your journey to becoming a true Canuck, fellow patriot! Remember, with Justin, Sophie, and the rest of the Trudeau fam rooting for you, Canada welcomes you with open, snow-covered arms! Go, Team Canada!