Apple Expert Reveals: Smartphone Addiction is Actually Good For You

Hey, have you ever heard that thing about how smartphones are ruining our brains and making us into zombies? Pfft. Not likely. I, for one, have never been more alive than right now! And it’s all thanks to my smartphone addiction.

Yes, you read that right. Apple Expert Dr. Elaine Screech, PhD, reveals in her new book, “Love Your Phone Like You Love Crack Cocaine” that smartphone addiction is a GOOD THING. Here are her top five reasons why:

1) Improves Social Skills: Smartphone addiction actually improves your social skills, Screech claims. “Studies show that people with smartphone addictions are better able to manipulate their loved ones and view them as means to an end, rather than real humans.” So, basically, smartphone addiction makes you a more effective American in today’s world. Nice.

2) Boosts Productivity: Screech claims that smartphone addiction boosts productivity. “Instead of doing boring things like sleeping and eating, users of smartphones spend their time texting and scrolling, which actually boosts their productivity levels.” So, smartphone addiction is perfect if you’re lazy and still want to be productive. Plus, think of the weight loss!

3) Improves Reading Comprehension: Screech reveals that smartphone addiction improves reading comprehension. “Smartphone users read faster, with better attention spans and understanding. They can even read multiple things at once! They don’t retain, or even process, any of the information, so it takes way less time than, say, reading a book.” So, smartphone addiction is perfect if you’re stupid and still want to learn things.

4) Improves Self Esteem: Screech claims that smartphone addiction boosts self esteem. “By constantly seeing other people’s fake, photoshopped lives, smartphone users learn to ignore reality and focus on themselves. This helps users build self-esteem and feel better than those fake-ass bitches. It also makes them more narcissistic and self-centered, which is great!” So, smartphone addiction is perfect if you’re ugly and still want to feel better than everyone else.

5) Decreases Testosterone: Screech reveals that smartphone addiction decreases testosterone. “Constantly being online and looking at attractive people decreases users’ sex drives and testosterone levels, which is great! Users can stay home all day, scrolling and texting, and never worry about getting anyone pregnant.” So, smartphone addiction is perfect if you want to be less horny and in danger of impregnation.

So, there you have it. Smartphone addiction is actually good for you! So, grab your phone, get addicted, and start manipulating, boosting productivity, improving reading comprehension, boosting self esteem, decreasing testosterone, and ignoring reality.