Big Plastic Rebranding Microplastics as “Macroblastics Xtreme”

After the shocking discovery that microplastics have been found in human and dog testicles, a new company has emerged claiming to have a revolutionary solution: Macroblastics Xtreme. CEO Franklin Flangebuckler says, “We have invented a substance that is the size of microplastics, but because they are macro, they can’t harm the delicate organs and systems inside our bodies. Our research shows that Macroblastics are probably entirely safe and effective at removing microplastics from the body by taking up the space in the testicles that microplastics normally would. It basically works like iodine and radiation.”

When we spoke to consumers, the response was mixed.

“I tried Macroblastics, but I didn’t notice a difference,” said Jane Hoogezalder, a 40-year-old mother of three. “I’m not seeing any improvement in my testicles or my ability to grow hair. I don’t even have testicles.”

However, others were sold.

“My daughter and I have both been taking Macroblastics, and I swear, her acne has cleared up,” said Janice Johnson, a 30-something single mom. “And my dogs no longer have the urge to chew plastic and are sleeping through the night.”

When asked for his opinion, Dr. Harry Hoochkin, a noted testicular expert, had the following to say.

“The concept of intentionally ingesting plastic is unethical and unwise, and the results are completely bogus. Microplastics are harmful not because it’s in the balls, but because it’s in the sea, and the sea is bad. No one understands the oceans. If they did, they would be worried. Stop putting crap in the ocean and your ball-bags will clean themselves.”

But the question remains: are Macroblastics the answer to anything? Can a large enough blastic save the world and keep our testicles, brains, and hearts safe? Probably not.

P.S. – Did I mention ZZZZZonky Ball-Harmonizing Pills can help harmonize your balls and give you a smoother, more restful nights sleep? It’s no joke. Testimonials included.