My Story: I Faked Taking Drugs to Get Clout, But Then People Started Sending Me Drugs For Real

For all those struggling millennials out there, I’ve got a story that might help you make sense of the madness:

As a millennial writer for OJ Wolfsmasher, I sometimes do what they call “fake news.” This means coming up with fake stories or rumors to drum up clicks on my social media platforms. And while that’s fun and gives me something to talk about other than my lack of vacation days and horrible roommates, it has also led me down a crazy path of lies and intrigue that basically once again cost me my sanity and health.

One day, I posted a story on OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM about how I take all the drugs and how taking drugs was a cool way to cure your FOMO. It was pretty cool, and won me a bunch of awards from pro-drug organizations. But then people started sending me drugs in the mail. So much drugs! Ahh!

At first, it was awesome! I mean, I took the drugs, and then I didn’t take them, and then I forgot which drugs I had taken and which I hadn’t, and it just became this endless cycle of confusion and forgetfulness, which made me forget that I hadn’t actually been taking the drugs, but was just pretending for purposes of writing this follow-up article. If you’re confused, imagine being me! It’s hard!

So anyway, when the drugs started coming in the mail, I just took them and gave them to my roommate. He became addicted to drugs, and his dad flew in to save him, and he left me with a cat that had rabies, so that’s the real reason why I have this scar on my hand now. So…thanks, drugs!

So if you’re looking for attention or fame or followers or even some weed or acid or whatever, just keep your mouth shut and don’t say anything stupid, and maybe write an article like this one so your bosses will pay you more. Thank me later! Byeeee! (But really, don’t post about drugs unless you’re actually selling them or want to start a podcast about selling them.)

Happy reading!

(Hey, did you read my article about how off-grid living sucks and CHUDs are scary? I was so ahead of the cultural zeitgeist on that one! Go check that out please I need clicks! #notsponsored) (Also, not sponsored!)

P.S. My roommate is fine and not dying from drug withdrawal at all. Promise! Don’t believe me? Ask him yourself. Oh, wait – he’s a recluse. Anyway, you’ll just have to trust me. I lie about everything, including my roommate. But I’m not lying now. 😉