Nobody Ever Needs to Drive Over 15mph, Ever

As a concerned citizen of the Great White North, I’ve had it up to here with the unnecessary stress and hassle of driving. Not only do I have better things to do with my time (like scrolling through Twitter), but I also believe that the risk of death or serious injury at higher speeds is just not worth it. That’s why I’m calling for a complete overhaul of our country’s speed limits. I’m talking about a national speed limit of 24.14016 kilometers per hour, folks. That’s right – 15mph. The slowest pace known to mankind.

Of course, there are those who will say, “But Jane, what about when you’re in a hurry? What about when you’re trying to get somewhere?” To them, I say, “Who needs to get somewhere fast?” What’s the rush, anyway? High speed driving just an excuse for the government to make more money from speeding tickets, and besides, who doesn’t love the feeling of crawling along at a snail’s pace? It’s like a mini-vacation from the stresses of everyday life. Nobody can feel stressed going that slow. It’s like being in the Matrix.

What about those dirty Americans who say, “Driving 25mph is already so slow it makes me want to murder all the pedestrians and cats I see. Driving 15mph will kill us all”? To them I say, that sounds like a You problem.

And let’s not forget about the environmental benefits. With everyone driving at a snail’s pace, there will be less noise pollution, less air pollution, and less of a carbon footprint. It’s a win-win for Mother Earth, folks! Plus, at 15mph, you’ll never have to worry about running over a black squirrel again. It’s like a national sanctuary for these adorable little creatures. Those red squirrels can suck it.

I know what you’re thinking – what about emergency responders, or people rushing to the hospital to give birth or something? What if Justin Trudeau needs something really fast? Won’t people have a harder time getting to emergencies? To that, I say, “Pffft, who needs emergency responders anyway?” I mean, half the time they’re on horseback or mooseback anyway. It’s like they’re intentionally trying to make us wait. And besides, at 15mph, there will be fewer emergencies in the first place. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy that defeats itself!

So, to all my fellow Canadians, I urge you – let’s join together and make 15mph the new law. Who’s with me? Let’s take a cue from our friends in New York, who have already begun implementing lower speed limits. It’s a movement, folks, and I’m proud to be at the forefront of it. Join me, and together, we’ll make Canada the safest, most boring country in the world. Or, at the very least, the country with the slowest speed limits. It’s a goal, people, and we’re gonna crush it!