Not Just Bears: Five (5) More Forest Creatures Less Dangerous Than Ugly Poor Single Men

The recent viral meme question about choosing between running into a bear or a man in the woods has stirred up quite the debate. Most women picked the bear, and as a single woman who knows the dangers of both, I can’t help but agree. After all, at least a bear won’t try to “help” you by grabbing your boobs, right? Here are five other things I’d rather run into in the woods while being single and fabulous:

1. Naked Yoga Lady: Okay, yes, this is scary, but sometimes the enemy you fear the most is a funhouse mirror version of yourself. I, of course, would prefer to bump into a naked yoga lady over a killer clown or a land shark any day. That may seem counterintuitive, but while naked yoga lady may try to steal my face mask or expose me to her bad juju, she won’t try to get out of the friendzone. She’ll probably just make fun of my outfit and disappear back into the bushes.

2. Ghosts: While ghosts can sometimes be scary, they rarely have physical form. So, there’s less of a chance they can grab or hurt you. Plus, ghosts can be easily avoided by just being generally awesome and channeling your inner Hermione Granger. Don’t use “her” books, though, as that’s intellectual theft, and feminists can’t condone such crimes.

3. Chupacabras: Chupacabras may steal your blood or cattle, but they don’t want anything else from you. In fact, they’re often trying to keep others at bay with their gnarly appearance and blood-sucking antics. With chupacabras, it’s possible to bond over your mutual goals, which is far more noble than being single and fab all the time. I can relate to blood-sucking vampire dogs. Not so much men.

4. A Yeti: While being naked (and furry), the yeti poses very little threat to any woman (or man, for that matter). He will also respect your personal space and keep his distance, since it appears that his species is really hard to find these days. Wouldn’t it be nice to run into someone who gets it?

5. A hot guy who makes over 400k/year: “Not all men” is total BS, but I would make an exception for a hot rich bad boy who showers me with gifts. I deserve it! Running into a hot guy in the woods would be way better than running into some single male hiker who probably lives in his parents’ basement and eats meals consisting of Hot Pockets and Funyuns between creepy-eyed hiking excursions.

BONUS: A Bear: Yes, internet TikTok scientists have proven that it’s probably more dangerous to run into a man in the woods than a bear. Way more men than bears attack women in our society, and it’s about time someone said it.

Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to go out in the forest and look for bears to hug like some sort of Grizzly Man. Hey, whatever happened to that guy?