I’m Tired of People Pretending To Like Me Just Because I’m a Woman

I’m tired of being the token woman in the room. Tired of being the only female in a sea of dudes. Tired of being the one they all want to impress because of my so-called “feminine wiles” and my “girl power.” Newsflash, guys: I’m not impressed. And I’m definitely not grateful. And I’m definitely, definitely, tired.

You see, whenever I enter a room, I can feel the collective gaze of every man around me. It’s like they’re all thinking, “Oh, look, a woman! Let’s pretend to be interested in what she has to say and maybe even buy her a drink or two, and then she’ll like us and boink us.” But let’s be real, guys. You’re not interested in me. You’re just using me as a means to an end. An end that involves looking good in front of your bros, or getting your dumb rocks off on a real woman. You’re not fooling anyone, “Chad.”

And don’t even get me started on the fake compliments. “You’re so smart, Slamara!” No, I’m not smart. I’m just better at being a woman than you are. And by “better,” I mean I’ve learned to navigate the treacherous waters of patriarchy with a level of finesse that would make even the most seasoned politician jealous. But let’s not get it twisted. I’m not better because I’m smart. I’m better because I’m a woman. That’s why you’re talking to me.

Don’t these smooth talkers realize that I’m crazy? I mean, look at me. On second thought, don’t. I can feel your male gaze on my butt.

But what really grinds my gears is when guys start pretending to like my jokes. Like, “Oh, Slamara, you’re so funny!” No, I’m not funny. I’m just good at making fun of the same old tired jokes that men have been telling each other for centuries. And by “good,” I mean I’ve mastered the art of rolling my eyes and throwing shade. But let’s not get it twisted. I’m not funny because I’m funny. I’m funny because I have to be for your little “game” to work. That’s why you’re laughing at my jokes. You’re not actually finding me amusing. You’re just pretending to like me because I’m a woman, and you want to get in my pants. Ugh.

And don’t even get me started on the whole “girl power” thing. I mean, what does that even mean? It means nothing. It’s just a bunch of empty rhetoric designed to make you feel good about yourselves while you continue to objectify us. Well, let me tell you, I’m not a part of your “girl power” movement. I’m not a part of anything. I’m just a woman. And that’s all that matters.