THE JEFF’S LAST ARTICLE EVER? Cringeworthy First Date Ideas!
You fear missing out on future THE JEFF articles, so read this one over and over again
Last known photo of THE JEFF, taken in the airport. Where in the world did he go?
*Editor’s note: The mysterious and enigmatic THE JEFF has gone missing. His last email to us was cryptic (as usual), but he indicated he had ingested some sort of “red pill” that “opened his mind” and that he had to “go somewhere and think for a while.” At least he submitted this article, so we can all experience his state of mind as he descended into madness.
Top 5 Cringeworthy First Date Ideas
by THE JEFF
Hey there, my fellow daters and dateless individuals. THE JEFF has devised a comprehensive list of the 5 worst, most cringe-inducing, and downright disastrous first date ideas known to mankind. So take notes, avoid these catastrophic catastrophes, and perhaps you might have a shot at a second date. Unless of course, you’re a man and you’re not super attractive. Because if that’s the case, you’re doomed either way. But here’s this article I wrote.
1. Bowling: Nothing says romance like knocking over pins, tripping over shoes, and choking on spilled fizzy drinks. Unless of course, your idea of fun includes watching your date’s ball knock your drink and themselves to the ground, resulting in a sticky situation for everyone, both literally and figuratively. And don’t even get me started on the neon lights reflecting off all those shiny shoes. GAG ME WITH A LUMBER KILN.
2. Haunted House: Horror lover alert! Haunted houses might provide adrenaline-pumping fun, but they’re not the best place to find any kind of lasting spark. You will be too busy screaming in terror, clinging to each other out of fear instead of affection. Not to mention the possibility of a surprise “jump scare” ending with your date throwing up on you—or themselves, for that matter. Y’all just ruined that jacket, kiddo.
3. Dinner and a movie: How creative of you! The epitome of boring and clichéd, this outdated date is as appealing as leftovers from last month’s church potluck. Instead of enjoying a heartwarming film together, you’ll spend the entire time wondering whether to hold hands under the table or keep an awkward distance while your food gets cold as ice. Let this idea freeze in hell with the rest of Blockbuster Video.
4. Little Person Wrestling: *cue gasps and shocked faces* Yup, you heard right. If you want to ensure an awkward silence that could crack even the largest glacier, inviting your date to watch tiny people in spandex punch each other in the crotch sounds like an absolute winner. Not only is this event bizarre, but the potential injuries are also very real, making it more of an ambulance ride than a candlelit romance. Not even bad people like seeing their date in the ER, FYI.
5. A Comedy Open Mic Night: Oh boy, where to begin? Between the bad jokes, wokescold hecklers, and drunk people breakdancing, a comedy open mic night will have your date wishing they never set eyes on you. Save the laughs for when the check comes. You’ll need some cheap ones for all the cringe you’re serving up.
Now that you know better, let’s hope you do better. Remember, there’s a fine line between unique and downright idiotic when it comes to first dates. Stay classy, and leave the fart gun and rubber duckies at home. Or just stay home and play with them – that’s more fun anyway.
