I Hate Men, Can I Also Direct Star Wars?

“Star Wars” used to mean something, dammit. Something pure and powerful. Nowadays, however, it seems like Disney is using the franchise as a vehicle for pushing its social agenda rather than telling a good story. Case in point: the recent announcement that the next director of a Star Wars film is someone who openly hates half of the population. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the brave new world of inclusivity where the ability to hate one particular gender trumps talent and experience.

In an interview I saw online (in the background as I did yoga), the newly appointed female director made her intentions clear: she wants to make men “uncomfortable” and thinks they should “be uncomfortable.” So, basically, she wants to use her position of power to further marginalize and silence the very demographic that has supported Star Wars for decades. Bravo, Disney, bravo. Way to alienate your core audience while simultaneously preaching diversity and tolerance. I can do that, too.

Let’s compare that statement to what I do every day of my life. I make men feel uncomfortable too, but in a different way. Instead of using my position of power to push a political agenda, I simply tell it like it is. I speak truths that make them squirm in their seats, question their beliefs, and reevaluate their place in society. And guess what? They love it! They come back for more because deep down inside, they know I’m right. And I’m also really attractive. But it’s more the me being right thing.

So, Disney, if you really care about making people “uncomfortable,” then why not give me a shot at directing a Star Wars movie? I guarantee you that I will make audiences of both genders question their assumptions and challenge their preconceived notions about not just gender roles and relationships, but everything in their sad little lives. They’re gonna walk right out of the theater!

Plus, unlike the current crop of politicized directors, I actually know how to tell a compelling story that resonates with fans across the galaxy (pardon the pun). I can cram romance, action, cleavage, swashbuckling, robots, and badly named characters into a Star Wars stew and chuck it right at the audience. Just watch me!

So, please, consider me for the job. I promise to bring the magic back to Star Wars without sacrificing its core values of adventure, heroism, and yes, even a little bit of nostalgia. Because after all, isn’t that what Star Wars is really all about?