Five Things I Want for Christmas from OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM (or Else)

As a beleaguered female millennial writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM, I am always looking for ways to make my job better and get paid fairly. That’s why, this Christmas, I need OJ to hit those after Christmas clearance sales and buy me a few upgrades and improvements to my workspace:

1. Better Wi-Fi

This accursed office currently provides us with free Wi-Fi, but it’s super slow and constantly crashes, making it impossible to write stories about celebrities or trends in late capitalism. We need faster internet with fewer ads and popups that distract us from writing clickbait articles for millions of viewers.*

2. Comfy Ergonomic Chair

I spend most of my day sitting at a desk, writing clickbait articles for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM. But my chair is hard and uncomfortable, and it’s starting to hurt my back. I need a comfy ergonomic chair with lumbar support and wheels, so I can roll around the office without killing my spine.

3. Free Lunch

Every day, they provide us with disgusting sandwiches from the deli down the street. But I crave salads and sushi and tacos. Instead, I just eat chips from the vending machine or leftovers from the last party I attended, which wasn’t even very fun. So please, OJ Wolfsmasher – please provide us with free lunch from an amazing restaurant, so I can write your clickbait articles on a full stomach instead of on a caffeine crash.

4. Vacation Days

OJ Wolfsmasher doesn’t offer vacation days, which is problematic because it makes me work overtime without rest or recovery time from writing clickbait articles about celebrities and trends in late capitalism. Please give us vacation days, so we can recharge and relax and come back refreshed and ready to write more clickbait for you, OJ.

5. Respect

At Buzzfeed News**, we are treated like dogs who get yelled at for sleeping or needing water or food. Seriously, if I get thorsty, they yell at me! Please respect our humanity and treat us like professionals who deserve fair compensation and positive reinforcement for our clickbait writing efforts. Thank you!

In conclusion, these five things will help make my job at Buzzfeed News better and help me focus on writing more clickbait articles for you, OJ Wolfsmasher.

* Editor’s Note: She has ad and popups because she isn’t using an ad-blocker, and she keeps clicking on ads and getting malware infections on her work laptop (that we graciously allow her to borrow).

** Editor’s Note: We keep telling her she doesn’t work for Buzzfeed. I’m not sure what else to do at this point.