Three Common Household Items in Your Cupboard That Will Definitely Kill You

1. Nerd Spiders

Nerd spiders are small, shy, and very timid creatures that live in your cupboard. They are named after the glasses that they wear, which makes them look like frickin’ nerds. But these harmless creatures are actually dangerous because they carry a venom that can cause paralysis and even death. Just like real nerds.

Nerd spiders have a unique way of hunting their prey. They wait patiently in a cupboard for the victim to stumble upon them and then they strike! They shoot their venom-filled fangs at their target, paralyzing it before eating it alive while complaining about Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

If you see a nerd spider in your cupboard, please call pest control immediately and do not try to handle it yourself. Remember, these creatures are deadly and should be left alone. Just like real nerds.

2. Tiny Chupacabras

Chupacabras are known for their ability to suck blood from animals, including humans. But what if there was a tiny version of this creature? A mini-chupacabra is what we call these cute, little creatures that are found in your cupboard. They could totally fit in there, right?

These adorable miniature critters may look harmless, but they are just as dangerous as their larger counterparts, which have overrun Mexico recently. They have razor-sharp teeth and claws that they use to hunt down their prey. Don’t let that be you, friend.

Be careful when handling these creatures, as they can cause serious injury. If you see one, call pest control immediately and do not try to handle it yourself. These creatures may be cute, but they are deadly and should be left alone. Just like nerds.

3. Your Neighbor, Tom

Tom is your neighbor, and he is a very nice guy. He always helps you with your yard work and brings you fresh vegetables from his garden. But I bet he’s small enough to fit in your cupboard.

This harmless-looking guy may seem like a good friend, but he could secretly be plotting to take over your kitchen and eat you alive! Tom has been seen lurking around your cupboard, watching you go about your daily routine. It sucks that you have to hear it from me, Sarai Hummus-Waterbiscuits, but us ladies have to look out for each other, because men sure won’t. Especially that Tom fellow. I hear he has a gun license.

But Tom better watch out, or the pack of tiny chupacabras that live inside that loaf of bread you forgot about will suck his blood and leave him literally bone-dry forever. And you’ll be out of fresh vegetables.

The kitchen is a dangerous place in Late Capitalism. So be vigilant, and always check your cupboard before opening it. Or call pest control. Or your neighbor Tom with a gun. Or me, Sarai Hummus-Waterbiscuits, for advice and updates on the latest threats in your kitchen. Because you know I’ve got your back, boo.