Millennial Researchers: Gen Z is the “First Generation” Dumber Than the Last

CHICAGO, IL – In a shocking revelation that will surprise absolutely no one who has ever tried to have a conversation with someone born after 1997, a new study confirms what Millennials have been whispering into their artisanal coffees for years: Generation Z is, like, literally the first generation in recorded history to be dumber than the one before it. We’re like, totally the dumbest.
The groundbreaking research, compiled by neuroscientist Jared Horvath, points a gnarly, well-manicured finger directly at the very thing Millennials raised Gen Z on: screens. Horvath testified before Congress, probably via Zoom because leaving the house is hard, that Gen Z’s brains have been “turned into mush” by constant screen time, educational technology that’s a “farce,” and an inability to read a book without getting the urge to scroll TikTok for videos of cats playing tiny pianos.
The findings show that Gen Z underperformed on basically every cognitive measure, from basic attention to literacy. This, of course, comes as a massive blow to a generation that, according to Horvath, is also “overconfident about how smart they are.” It’s the Dunning-Kruger effect on a global scale, powered by a 5G network and infinite doomscrolling.
We reached out to real-life Millennials for their hot takes, and the smugness was practically palpable through the screen.
“I’m not even surprised,” said Brittany, 32, a content strategist who still uses the word “epic” unironically. “We was the ones who had to actually learn things. We had to use encyclopedias and, like, dial-up. We invented Kony 2012, Tumblr, and legalized Weed. They can’t even focus long enough to watch a full movie without checking their phone. They think knowing how to do a little dance is a life skill. It’s sad.”
Another Millennial, Chad, 35, who still has a half-finished screenplay in a desk drawer, agreed. “Us Millennials? We invented and built the internet. We was smart. We know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ without a grammar checker. These kids? They think Jesus has a god complex. JESUS. We had to deal with 9/11 and a recession. They didn’t have to deal with no recession. We’re basically battle-hardened geniuses. They’re mad their avocado toast costs extra now.”
The report highlights a cruel irony: the very tech-optimism that defined the Millennial youth—like the totally-not-a-pyramid-scheme belief that you could “carpet bomb Africa with iPads” and create a generation of geniuses—has backfired spectacularly. The generation that was promised the world by technology instead got a world where half their waking life is spent staring at a screen, learning to be expert skimmers of information rather than deep thinkers.
Horvath is calling on lawmakers to enact policies that pull technology from classrooms, a proposal that will likely fail because it requires adults to do more work. For now, it seems the only thing Gen Z is truly first in is being proud of their own cognitive decline. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see if my gacha game gave me the new limited-edition horse waifu. As a Zoomer, these are my priorities, you know?