Patriots Lose Super Bowl, Blame Bad Bunny for Properly Inflated Game Balls

Oh, hey there sports dorks! I didn’t see you there! I was too busy re-watching the Bad Bunny halftime show on a loop, trying to figure out if that was a real going on in the crowd he was surfing in. (Spoiler: it was. Sponsorship details pending.) But we’re not here to talk about a transcendent, genre-bending performance that made Lady Gaga’s famed meat dress look like a sensible pantsuit. We’re here to talk about the real scandal of Super Bowl LX: the New England Patriots losing, and immediately finding someone else to blame for their own shenanigans.
You know the story. The Seahawks, led by some guy named Sam Darnold who apparently is good, and a defense that treats quarterbacks like a piñata, absolutely smothered the Patriots 29-13. Drake Maye spent more time on his back than a rent-controlled mattress in Manhattan. It was a masterclass. It was a domination. It was, to the Patriots, a setup of the highest order.
Because according to a “source” inside the Patriots organization (who is definitely not Bill Belichick muttering into a clam chowder), the game was rigged from the start. Not by the refs. Not by the NFL. Oh no, dorks. The culprit is Bad Bunny.
YES! *THAT* BAD BUNNY!
The accusation, which was reportedly screamed in a language only Robert Kraft’s lawyer understands, is that the Patriots, in their time-honored tradition, did deflate the game balls to their preferred, “Drake Maye-grippable PSI.” Standard operating procedure, right? They always do this in Super Bowls – it’s the main reason they win. Just some good old-fashioned fun gamesmanship, right? But here’s where the plot thickens like bad guacamole. The theory is that after the Pre-Game performance by some old geezers called *Green Day*, during the “field reset”—a period allegedly overseen by a shadowy cabal of “Latin Pop Logistics Technicians”—Bad Bunny himself, or one of his highly-energized backup dancers, went around with a secret, portable air pump and re-inflated the balls back to regulation.
One Patriots assistant coach, who wished to remain anonymous so he could keep his job, explained it perfectly. “Look, we had those balls exactly where we wanted them. They were perfect. Soft. Subtle. A little less pressure, you know how it is. Drake loves ’em like that, you know? Then that… that fiesta happens. Next thing we know, Drake’s throwing a rock out there. The seam is tight, the laces are hard. It felt like he was chucking a frozen turkey. Our whole offensive rhythm was off! We prepared for softballs, not cannonballs!”
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?! This is the most Patriots excuse of all time! It’s Deflategate 2: The Inflation! They’re not even denying they tried to cheat; they’re just mad that someone undid their cheat! They’re essentially filing a formal complaint that their sabotage was sabotaged! What are they, a Scooby Doo villain? This is peak New England. It’s like a burglar suing the homeowner for having an alarm system that was too loud.
This is, as they say, “Big if True.” We can’t have international pop stars acting as rogue, pro-integrity vigilantes during our championship games! Or can we? Think of the chaos that would have ensued if Bruno Mars would have been out there checking eye black levels! Is this part of the duties for the Halftime performers now?
MAGA Twitter, already in an uproar about the fact that the Bad Bunny was even performing at the Super Bowl, became absolutely unhinged, seeing this as the latest culture war issue. Many had already been complaining about the “Spanish language halftime show” and were looking for any excuse to blame the loss on something other than the fact that the Seahawks were just better. This was just the conspiracy theory they were looking for.
“Of course that Mexican would attack the PATRIOTS!!!” Said one user, ConservaChik1777. “He hates America! He probably had a little air pump in his sombrero!”
This is why we need to modernize the league! We can’t just have balls sitting around unsupervised. I’m proposing the Nike PSI-Lock™ System. Every football is implanted with a microchip that syncs with a central server. If the PSI drops below regulation, an alarm sounds, and a small drone flies out and zaps the nearest person in a gray hoodie with a taser. It’s about safety and integrity, dorks!
So there you have it. The Patriots didn’t lose because their offensive line couldn’t block a sea urchin, or because Drake Maye looked like a deer in headlights. They lost because a global music superstar decided to enforce the actual rules of the game. It’s the most hilarious, pathetic, and perfectly on-brand excuse in the history of sports, and it’s sponsored by the tears of a thousand Boston sports radio callers. Bad Bunny didn’t just steal the halftime show; he stole the Patriots’ dignity.
Fandom is Pay-to-Win, but apparently, cheating is free, and integrity costs extra. Stay dorky out there.