As a Costco Shareholder, I Think Costco Hot Dogs Should Cost Eight Bucks

Listen, it’s THE JEFF here, and I just gave you permission to read this article because I am that congenial. You’re welcome. Now, let’s talk about something serious. Something that affects the very fabric of our society, our economy, and my digestive tract: the Costco hot dog.
You know the one. The $1.50 soda-and-hot-dog combo. A beacon of hope in a dark world. A monument to a bygone era of sensible pricing. And I’m here to tell you, as a man who owns approximately 0.00001% of this company, it’s gotta go. The price needs to go up. Way up. I’m talking eight bucks. Minimum.
You think I’m crazy? Of course you do. You always do. You’re probably the same person who still believes Crystal Pepsi was a real thing and not a mass hallucination. But I’m not just some guy on the internet who ate a ghost pepper this morning and is now seeing colors that don’t exist. No. I am a SHAREHOLDER. I am a STEAKHOLDER. Or, in this case, a HOT DOG HOLDER. I have a VESTED INTEREST.
I have a dog in this fight, and that dog needs to cost more.
First, let’s talk about inflation. I’m not an economist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night in my mind, and I know things cost more. My three phone bills aren’t getting cheaper. My pitbull’s emotional support kibble isn’t getting cheaper. The tinfoil for my ironically-worn hats isn’t getting cheaper. So why should the pinnacle of American cuisine, the Costco dog, be stuck in 1985? It’s an economic anchor holding us all down! For the good of the nation, and my stocks, it must be freed from its $1.50 shackles.
Second, and this is the big one, shareholder value. Every time some schlub buys a hot dog, Costco loses money. Probably. I don’t know, I didn’t read the prospectus, it looked boring. But think about it! That’s less money for R&D! Less money for developing the next generation of 55-gallon drums of mayonnaise! Less money for my dividend, which I could use to sire more children to pass on my evolved sixth sense. An $8 hot dog? That’s pure profit. That’s a yacht for the CEO. That’s a solid gold food court table. That’s what shareholders want! We want value! We want opulence! We want hot dogs that cost as much as a craft cocktail!
And finally, the vibe. Let’s be honest, the $1.50 hot dog attracts the wrong crowd. People who use coupons. People who are careful with their money. It’s a drain on the premium experience Costco is trying to create. I’m in there buying a 10-pound bag of frozen shrimp and a kayak I don’t need. I don’t want to be rubbing elbows with someone who’s just there for the cheap lunch. An $8 hot dog? That filters out the riff-raff. That says, “Welcome, fellow high-roller. Enjoy your lukewarm soda and your mechanically-separated meat tube. You’ve earned it.”
So yeah. Eight bucks. It’s a bold move. It’s a genius move. It’s probably a move that will get me kicked out of the next shareholder meeting, but it’s the right move. The market demands it. My portfolio demands it. My sixth sense is screaming at me that it’s time.
I’m THE JEFF, and I just gave Costco permission to raise the price of their hot dogs to eight dollars because I am that visionary and I want money. You’re welcome for the free business advice. Now if you’ll excuse me, this ghost pepper is really starting to kick in, and I think my pitbull is applying for a job online again.