I Went to Greenland to Resist Trump. It Was a Total Wasteland and the Service Was Awful.

Hey! Something terrifying is happening… and guess who’s to blame? That’s right—Trump. Now, dear friend, when that man gets an idea in his head, it’s like a toddler with a grenade—loud, dangerous, and completely oblivious to the collateral damage. So when he started eyeing Greenland like it was the last slice of pizza at a buffet, I knew I had to act. I’m a resistor. I’m an activist. I’m a woman with a crossbody purse full of justice.
So I did what any true patriot would do: I booked a flight to Nuuk to stand in solidarity and resist.
Let me just say, the entire trip was a disaster from start to finish, and I have a list of complaints that I’ll be forwarding to the Greenlandic… whatever their version of a Chamber of Commerce is. First of all, the flight. They lost my luggage. MY luggage. With my essential oils and my “Nasty Woman” t-shirt. How am I supposed to find my center and resist fascism without my lavender and chamomile blend? It’s like they wanted me to be stressed. Suspicious, don’t you think?
When I finally arrived, the welcome was… underwhelming. No parade. No key to the city. Just a lot of people speaking what I can only assume was a made-up language to confuse me. I tried to find the local “Resistance Headquarters,” but every time I asked, people would just stare at me. I even tried using my translator app, but it kept giving me words for “seal” and “ice.” Very hostile, dear friend.
And the food! Don’t even get me started on the food. I asked for a nice kale salad and they looked at me like I had three heads. They kept trying to give me things like “mattak” and “suaasat,” which is just a fancy word for “soup with a rock in it.” Excuse me for having a woman body that requires leafy greens and a sensible portion size! I had to survive on airline crackers for two days. TWO. DAYS.
The final straw was the lack of proper amenities. I needed to live-stream my protest—my followers needed to see my bravery—but the Wi-Fi was slower than a boomer trying to use a smartphone. How am I supposed to post a selfie with the caption “Resisting in Greenland #NotMyPresident #GreenlandStrong” when the little circle just keeps spinning? It’s a violation of my digital rights.
I tried to organize a chant, you know, something simple like “Hey, ho, Donald Trump has got to go!” A few people stopped, but they weren’t chanting with me. They were just… staring. One man even offered me a dried fish. A dried fish! As if that’s a suitable substitute for a decent latte and a solidarity fist-bump.
So, yes, I went to Greenland to resist Trump. And what did I get for my troubles? Lost luggage, cultural indifference, soup with rocks, and a data plan that couldn’t even load a GIF of a crying cat. The whole thing was a colossal waste of my time and money, and I fully expect a refund from someone. Maybe Trump should pay for it, since his obsession caused this whole mess.
Why are you booing? I’m right.