Adobe Patents Photos, Videos, and Computers

Well folks, it’s official: Adobe has decided the world isn’t suffering enough, so they’re now patenting photos, videos, and computers themselves. That’s right—if you want to take a selfie, edit a video, or even just look at a picture online, you’ll need to shell out big bucks for Photoshop. And if you don’t? Well, too bad—your photos are now Adobe property, at least according to the U.S. Patent Office.

Let me break this down: Adobe has somehow (somehow!) convinced the patent office that all digital images, videos, and even the devices we use to view them belong exclusively to them. This means that unless you’re using their software—or coughing up royalties every time you click “Save”—you’re technically violating multiple patents. So yeah, that vacation photo from 2015? Adobe’s got their claws in it now. They can censor it, use it to train their bad AI, or even delete it.

But wait—it gets worse! Because Adobe didn’t stop there. Oh no, they’ve also patented the concept of computers themselves. That’s right: If you own a MacBook, gaming PC, or even a toaster with Wi-Fi, you’ll now need to pay Adobe a licensing fee just for existing on earth. (Ruling does not apply to computers in space, thankfully.)

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Marcus, this is insane! How can they get away with this?” And honestly? They can. Because Adobe doesn’t care about fairness—they only care about profit. This move isn’t just about controlling creativity; it’s about forcing every single person on the planet to pay up or shut up.

“Nobody stopped them when they purchased, and subsequently closed, all their competitors. This was the logical next step,” commented Gerald Looloolooloo, President of Harvard’s School of Patentization, “Time to buy stock in Adobe, I guess.”

So what’s next for Adobe? Well, if history is any indication, they’ll probably start patenting sunlight or maybe even your own thoughts. And by then, we’ll all be so broke from licensing fees that we won’t even have the energy to complain. (Unless, of course, you want to pay Adobe an extra $9.99/month for the privilege of being angry.)

Stay tuned for Part 2: “Will Adobe Soon Patent Oxygen?” Spoiler: The answer is YES.