Cows Are Starting to Take Exception to the Term “Land Manatee.” Here’s Why You Should Care (Or Else)
Even the most domesticated among us have had enough
by Slamara Cavendorsch
June 1st, 2027 (still in the future)
Alright, people—time to address the elephant in the room (or should I say, the domesticated elephant-esque creature in the field?). I’ve been reading the tea leaves in my cup today and see that cows are furious about the term “land manatee,” and for good reason. These grass-based non-aquatic mammals—or as they now call themselves, “Moo-veable Feasts”—feel deeply disrespected by this comparison, and their passive-aggressive protest signs say it all: “Eat more chikin!”
It started when some Karen at a petting zoo called a cow a “land manatee” while staring at its… udder assets. The cows, clearly traumatized, have since organized a boycott of human agriculture. They’re demanding better language, thicker hides, and maybe even mooing rights. Meanwhile, dairy farmers are scrambling to rebrand their products before the cows unionize and start milking themselves on the ground for equity.
But enough about their silly tantrums. Let’s talk solutions. If cows are offended by “land manatee,” we need better alternatives. Here are my non-negotiable suggestions:
“Grass-Based Non-Aquatic Mammals (GBNAM)” – Simple, respectful, and 120% more words than necessary.
“Bovine Gentle Giants (BGG)” – Cows aren’t “manatees.” They’re majestic, sentient beings who deserve their own Oprah-style lifetime achievement award for putting up with all this beef nonsense.
“Udderly Majestic Land Whales Woop (UMLWW)” – Because why not lean into the absurdity? If cows want to be offended, we’ll give them material.
If you continue using “land manatee,” expect cow-related consequences. Imagine a world where cows sabotage your Netflix algorithm with endless reruns of Laff-A-Lympics, or where every time you mooch off their grass by walking on it, they literally kick you in the shin. Trust me, it’s not worth it.
P.S. If you spot a cow holding a protest sign, do NOT engage. Their demands are irrational, their grammar is worse than yours, and they’ll quote Marx at you to prove a point. Ex) “Eat mor chikin.”
P.P.S. The next time someone calls a pig a “land walrus,” prepare for war. Pigs are very into marine biology now, apparently. (None of this makes any sense – fix later.)
P.P.P.S. If cows succeed in rebranding, dairy milk will cost $200 a gallon, and every burger will come served with a side of guilt. Fight back. Use the correct terminology. Or else.
