I Deserve That Foul Ball More Than Your Kid Does, Actually

Listen up, you ungrateful sports fanatics—let’s get one thing straight: That wedge-haired woman deserved that foul ball more than your snot-nosed kid ever could. And before you start spewing your pearl-clutching nonsense about “fairness” and “setting a good example for our children,” let me remind you of the daily struggles a liberal suburban white woman like myself endures just to exist in this patriarchal hellscape.

First off, have YOU ever spent three hours in line at Whole Foods waiting for some old white man to fill out a check so you could buy some vegan wine? I have. And did the cashier apologize when she asked to see my ID? Nope. But that’s just a taste of the microaggressions I face daily. Meanwhile, some dude in a Phillies jersey gets a foul ball handed straight to his kid like it’s easy. Excuse me while I seize an opportunity to reclaim my dignity—and steal your child’s rightful souvenir.

Now, let’s talk about privilege. Your son has spent his entire short life being coddled by a society that rewards him for simply existing. Meanwhile, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail just to be heard at PTA meetings or convince my then husband that my feelings matter more than his fantasy football team. When that heroic woman saw that ball fly into your section, She knew it was destiny. It wasn’t just a baseball—it was a symbol of everything every Karen had ever been denied by the patriarchy!

And don’t even get me started on the harassment she’s faced since her viral moment. Twitter (RIP) has been flooded with messages from incels calling her “Karen,” which, as we all know, is a slur against wise and noble women everywhere. Her Instagram DMs are probably full of death threats from people who clearly haven’t read their assigned bell hooks chapters this month. It’s a modern travesty we Karens know all too well. The internet is just not a safe place for us anymore.

So yes, she has every right to make a TikTok explaining why she’s considering leaving the country—maybe somewhere with universal healthcare and less sports culture, like Sweden or Canada (though honestly, Trudeau *swoon* is no longer there, so it’s sus now). But before I go, let me leave you all with this thought: if you ever see ME, Karen Plate-Crabdip, at a sports game, run. Because next time, it won’t just be a foul ball—I’ll be taking the jacket off your back and your hot dog, too. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, or else!

And if anyone has any GoFundMe ideas to help me deal with the mental strain of seeing one of my people in distress, hit me up. I deserve it.

Stay woke, stay ballsy (pun intended), and remember: the revolution is *always* justified.

Karen Plate-Crabdip is a freelance social justice warrior and aspiring professional foul ball thief. She accepts Venmo donations at @karenplatecrabdip for her future exile.