Review Without Having Played (RWHP): Heroic Brown Migrant Simulator

Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary digital nomads of the gaming cosmos—Flavian Braggadoccio is here to deliver the review you’ve been denied by your anti-woke and ethically confused lizard-brained peers. Today, we’re dissecting Heroic Brown Migrant Simulator (HBM²)*, the controversial new game from a mysteriously vanished Mexican developer that’s already sparked more outrage than a TikTok lecture on cringe_core architecture. Spoiler: The game is flawless. Obviously.

Let’s start with what matters—the audacity. This isn’t just another fetch quest about “managing resources” or whatever limp excuse AAA studios use to sell soulless grindfests. HBM² dares to place your avatar in the shoes of a desperate brown person risking their life to cross an should-be-imaginary border to the USA—a bold, unapologetic narrative choice that’s long overdue in gaming. Forget about sword fights and fetch quests; this game is about survival, systemic oppression, and the tears you’ll shed while Microsoft’s algorithm quietly donates your data to Big Brother Immigration. Bravo.

Now, before the new cancel culture zealots start sharpening their pitchforks (and trust me, they’re already on Twitter), let’s address the elephant in the room: The developer vanished after accusations that HBM² is an “illegal immigration simulator.” Calm your twitters, folks! This isn’t some border-hopping action RPG with poorly animated luchadores. No, sir—this is a metaphorical masterpiece that uses its allegory to critique the very systems designed to exclude marginalized bodies from the privilege of capitalist citizenship. If you can’t handle a game about struggle being tagged “illegal,” maybe stick to playing Call of Duty: Warzone and your Robin Hood app.

Critics are howling that the premise is “more woke” or “trauma-farming.” To them, I say: Grow. Up. Have you people never heard of artistic risk? This game isn’t about simulating a border crossing—it’s about reclaiming narrative agency for communities whose stories have been weaponized by media conglomerates to sell us ICE merch and Fear the Walking Dead spinoffs involving characters nobody ever liked. By funding this project, Microsoft didn’t just invest in code—they invested in progressive solidarity. And honestly? It paid off.

Even though I haven’t played a single minute of HBM² (due to being too busy writing thinkpieces about how Minecraft is coded with colonialism and also because it’s not out yet), the sheer fact that it exists—funded by Big Tech, vanished by its creator, and trending on “subversive” platforms like Bluesky—is proof of gaming’s evolution. Forget gameplay mechanics or polygon counts; this game smells like resistance. It’s a middle finger to Gamergate shills, Trumpy simpletons, and anyone who thinks immigration isn’t a hot-button issue worth simulating in 4K HDR.

To the developer: Rest easy (or wherever you are). Your legacy is secure. To Microsoft: Keep funding these risky visionaries—it’s cheaper than buying Activision Blizzard. And to the gamers whining about “why are all these brown people in my games”? Newsflash: Not everything in life is a dopamine rush delivered through microtransactions. Sometimes, art demands we feel uncomfortable.

Final Verdict: 10/10—A triumph of woke storytelling that doesn’t need gameplay because its message is the only loot box you’ll ever need. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write an op-ed about how HBM² proves all Youtubers are paid Russian agents…

#WokeWins #SimulateTheStruggle #FlavianApproved

*Not the actual title, just what I call it in my head. I forgot what the title was supposed to be and the developer deleted it. I think the actual name is “Movin’ up North” or something. Something North.