Trump Executive Order Bans “Boring Corporate Rebrands”
In a move that has left marketing executives and corporate branding teams scrambling to update their pitch decks yet again, President Trump has signed an executive order banning what he calls “boring woke corporate rebrands.” The order comes in response to recent changes like Cracker Barrel removing the old man and barrel from its logo, which apparently struck a nerve with the Commander-in-Chief.
The order, titled “Executive Order on Keeping America’s Brands Bold, Brave, and Based,” was announced during a press conference where Trump declared, “We’re putting an end to this nonsense once and for all. Companies can’t just wake up one day and decide they don’t like their own history anymore! It’s weak sauce!”
According to the executive order, any corporation attempting to rebrand in a way that removes “traditional elements” or adopts “woke-friendly aesthetics” will face hefty fines and potential legal action from the federal government. The order specifically cites examples like Cracker Barrel, Aunt Jemima, and Uncle Ben’s as cautionary tales of what not to do.
“You know what I think?” Trump asked rhetorically during the press conference. “I think these companies are just trying to make themselves look cool by pandering to some woke agenda. Well, let me tell you something – nothing is cooler than being yourself! And if that means keeping an old man in a barrel as your logo? So be it!”
The response from corporate America has been…underwhelming, to say the least. Many companies have already begun backtracking on planned rebrands, while others are reportedly scrambling to come up with new designs that satisfy both Trump and their woke consumer bases.
One marketing executive who wished to remain anonymous but whose company name rhymes with ‘bachine bed” said, “This is a nightmare scenario for us. We’ve spent months developing these new identities, only to have the President tell us we can’t use them anymore. It’s like he thinks branding is as simple as slapping a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat onto everything! Not everything works like that! Ugh! AAAAghealgh!”
Meanwhile, Trump has appointed his daughter Ivanka to oversee the implementation of the new order. “She knows her stuff,” Trump said confidently. “Ivanka has always had great taste – just look at all those failed jewelry lines she launched over the years! If anyone can keep American brands bold and based, it’s her.”
As for what’s next? Who knows! One thing’s for sure though – as long as Trump is President, there will always be something new and unexpected happening in Washington DC. Stay tuned, folks! This ride is far from over.
