How To Convince Everyone That You’re Actually The Victim When You Get Caught Murdering or Saying Slurs

Ah, the eternal struggle of the truly oppressed! Let’s be real: if you’re a woke liberal who’s ever accidentally said something offensive—or worse, actually committed a violent act—you need to master the art of victimhood. Because let’s face it, the system is rigged against people like us. How else could a cisgender white man in a MAGA hat get away with misgender while we’re stuck explaining why our slurs were “contextual” and “not actually hate speech”? It’s truly systemic.

Here’s the playbook: First, immediately weaponize your identity. If you’re a woman, a person of color, LGBTQ+, or any other “marginalized group,” scream about how your trauma makes everything you do innocent. Did you just call someone a racial slur? Oh, that’s just “linguistic diversity”! Did you stab your neighbor over a sitting spot? That was self-defense against the white man! The key is to reframe your actions as resistance to oppression—because obviously, no one would ever believe the victim in this world, and you are actually the victim.

Next, deploy the classic “white fragility” tactic. If someone calls you out, gaslight them by accusing them of being a “cisheteronormative capitalist tool of the patriarchy who engages in fascist thinking.” Cry about how you’re being “triggered” and “attacked for your identity,” even if the evidence is in your own Instagram story. Remember: the more you spiral into performative outrage, the more people will side with you (and may even give you money). After all, who wants to believe a privileged dead or not-internet-enabled person over someone who’s literally just screaming into the void about their pain?

And finally, weaponize the narrative of “misunderstanding.” Say things like, “I didn’t realize my actions were harmful! I was just being myself!” Or better yet: “This is all the fault of systemic racism/white supremacy/capitalism—how dare you blame me for existing in a broken society?” People will love you for it. You’ll be hailed as a martyr, a victim of circumstance, and maybe even get a book deal.

So go forth, dear reader! Embrace your victimhood with the ferocity of a thousand woke hashtags. Remember: if you’re not being gaslit, oppressed, or misunderstood 24/7, you’re doing it wrong. And if someone actually believes you’re guilty? Well… they’re just another tool of the system. Stay strong, stay angry, and never apologize for your “courageous” choices. The world needs more victims—and fewer people who actually know how to be human.