Trump Signs Executive Order Requiring Jasmine Felicia Crockett to Stop ‘Speaking Jive’
Freedom of speech isn’t freedom from consequences for calling your Governor “Hot Wheels.”
In a move that has left political pundits and language experts scratching their heads, President Trump has signed an executive order requiring Texas State Representative Jasmine F. Crockett to “stop speaking jive.” The order, titled “Executive Order on Prohibiting the Use of Unintelligible Dialects in Public Speech,” was announced during a press conference held at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump declared, “We’ve had enough of these so-called politicians using fake accents to sound cool. It’s time to put an end to it.”
The executive order specifically targets Crockett, who has gained attention for her outspoken criticism of the Texas Republican Party and her use of what some have described as “street slang” or “ebonics.” According to the order, Crockett will be fined $100,000 every time she uses a word or phrase that is deemed to be “unintelligible” or “inappropriate for public discourse.”
“She sounds like a fool,” Trump said during the press conference. “I mean, ‘y’all’? ‘Finna’? What is this, a rap song? She needs to speak English like a normal person.”
Crockett, however, has vowed to defy the order, stating that her “blackness” and “hoodness” are essential parts of her identity. “I ain’t changing who I am for nobody,” she said in a statement. “If they want me to sound like a white lady from Connecticut, they can keep dreaming. I’m not changing my brand for no cracker President!”
The order has been met with criticism from free speech advocates and linguists, who argue that it violates the First Amendment and discriminates against African American Vernacular English (AAVE). “This is a blatant attempt to silence a powerful voice,” said Dr. John Rickford, a professor of linguistics at Stanford University. “AAVE is a legitimate language variety, and Crockett has every right to use it, even when she calls the Texas Governor ‘Hot Wheels.'”
But Trump remains unconvinced, saying, “I know more about words than anyone, okay? I’m the best with words, everyone says so. And I say that this jive talk needs to stop, or else we’ll never Make America Great Again.”
To enforce the order, Trump has established a new government agency called the “Language Police,” which will be tasked with monitoring Crockett’s speeches and fining her whenever she uses an “unintelligible” word or phrase. The agency will also be responsible for defining what constitutes “acceptable” English, though Trump has not yet provided any specific guidelines.
Crockett has already filed a lawsuit against the order, arguing that it violates her constitutional rights and discriminates against African Americans. But Trump seems undeterred, tweeting, “The Language Police are going to make sure that people like Jasmine Crockett use proper English, or else they’ll be sorry. It’s time to clean up the language in this country, folks. Believe me.”
This is just the latest in a series of controversial executive orders from the Trump administration, including the banning of global warming, the deportation of the Supreme Court to space, and the requirement for chickens to wear surgical masks. Trump has hinted at more orders to come, including one that would replace the national anthem with “I Will Survive.”
As for Jasmine F. Crockett, she remains defiant, saying, “They can try to shut me up, but I won’t let them. My voice is too important, and I’m not going to let some old white-orange man tell me how to talk.”
She then started making muscle poses for nearby reporters, and kissing her biceps. “I tell you one thing, brother,” she continued, pointing at the cameras, “My Jasmine-a-maniacs, the ones who are counting on me, will not stand for this!”
