Trump Sends DOGE Goons to Egg Council Guy’s House to “Have a Little Chat.”
This might be egg-zactly what we need. Or it might be an egg-zaster
In a move that signals a new strategy in the war on Egg Inflation, the One and Only Trump has double-secretly authorized Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency to find the real reason for high egg prices and exterminate it. Perhaps permanently.
OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM has learned from other, real, journalists that DOGE actually succeeded in finding the famed “Egg Council Guy” that The Simpsons based that one famed Stonecutters member on. And yes, he does indeed always wear a full-sized egg costume to hide his real identity, just like in The Simpsons.
“Don’t worry, folks – it’s just a routine visit, nothing to worry about,” Trump said when confronted with the reports by the Redditors that now make up the White House press corps, “We will do what Biden wouldn’t, and that means draining the egg swamp.”
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt followed up the next day with an official statement: “DOGE contractors visited a prominent member of ‘Bigg Egg’ recently to ask questions the American People would want to ask, such as ‘How come bird flu has killed 8% of chickens, but egg prices have gone up 500%? The numbers don’t add up, do they?’ And so on. These reasonable questions were met by what could only be described as “wall-sitting” behavior. Even still, heroic DOGE contractors did not ‘Humpty Dumpty’ anyone, as some in the media have suggested. That’s just irresponsible, and quite frankly, a fairy tale.”
But as it turns out, DOGE may not have been the best choice for this high-stakes mission. A source close to the situation revealed that the DOGE contractors were not actually trained in high-pressure interrogations. Instead, they were simply a bunch of guys who looked intimidating and had experience with “doxxing” people online.
“They kept yelling about how they were ‘alpha males’ and calling the Egg Council Guy a ‘cuck,’” said one anonymous source who was in the room during the interrogation. “I don’t think they had any idea what they were actually supposed to be doing there.”
There is some evidence that seems to suggest that the situation eventually got out of hand, with journalist Bandra Borkschnorzer of Rolling Stone producing a grainy photo of a man in an egg costume being held over a balcony railing by his tiny, stick-like legs. However, in the end, the whole operation was allegedly a complete failure. The Egg Council Guy never cracked (no pun intended), and the DOGE contractors were sent packing with their tails between their legs. However, some are speculating that this may have been part of Trump’s plan all along.
“Think about it,” said one anonymous source who claimed to have inside knowledge of the situation, “Trump loves getting people talking about him. And what gets more attention than a bunch of nerdy DOGE operative threatening a guy wearing an egg costume?”
Indeed, the whole affair has generated a ton of buzz on social media, with countless memes and jokes being made at the expense of both Trump and the Egg Council Guy. Some have even gone so far as to suggest that the whole thing was just an elaborate prank cooked up by The Simpsons writers.
None of the opposition party Democrats have commented on the kerfuffle save for AOC, who filmed a heavily filtered TikTok stating, “Like, we all know that eggs are literally just tiny chickens, right? I mean, it’s just the obvious next step. The future is plant-based, anyway, baby!”
But regardless of whether the whole egg debacle was a brilliant piece of political theater or just a sloppy mess, one thing is clear: Trump has once again managed to dominate the news cycle and get people talking about him. And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
