No, “Gamers,” Marvel Rivals Isn’t the “New Standard” for Video Games (scoffing noises)
Not this again
No, giant corporations could not make this, for obvious reasons
Listen up, gamers! I, Flavian Braggadoccio, have yet another bone to pick with you. It seems that some of you are getting way too excited about this new hero shooter game called Marvel Rivals. You know, the one by evil Chinese knock-off developer Netease where you get to play as your favorite Marvel characters? Well, let me tell you something – you can’t expect this kind of quality going forward. That’s just nutty gamer thinking, and I, as a representative of the greater gaming community, will not stand for such blatant Trump-esque attempts to “make games fun again.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I know that the idea of playing as iconic characters like Spider-Man, Captain Marvel, – and yes, Jeff the Shark – in a fast-paced, action-packed shooter sounds pretty darn awesome. And sure, it doesn’t hurt that the character designs are appealing and the gameplay mechanics seem fun. But here’s the thing – you can’t expect every single game to be this good! That’s just not how it works in reality town. Maybe in clown town, but not here.
You see, folks like Activision Blizzard (a division of Microsoft(TM)) – who, by the way, have done nothing wrong and are totally not evil monolithic corporations looking to suck every last dime from your wallet while treating their employees like disposable cattle – they can’t be expected to constantly churn out games of this quality. Heck, they’ve got shareholders to keep happy and quarterly earnings reports to meet. Cut them some slack!
The fact is, gamers need to learn to be content with less. You don’t need flashy characters or fun gameplay mechanics – all you need is a half-decent product that serves as an adequate vessel for the latest progressive political narrative or social justice cause célèbre. As long as it checks those boxes and keeps the woke brigade happy, who cares if it’s actually enjoyable to play?
So do me a favor, gamers – keep your expectations in check and stop getting so excited over every new game that comes out. Marvel Rivals is the exception, not the rule. And even if it does turn out to be good, just remember that there’s no way Activision Blizzard or any other big-name developer will ever be able to match it. But hey, at least their games will be filled with excitingly diverse characters and teach you a valuable lesson about climate change or systemic oppression or whatever else is trending on Twitter this week, right? They’re the good guys, obvs.
In the end, just sit back and enjoy what you’re given. The fact that Marvel Rivals looks like it might actually be fun doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some thinkpieces to write about why Fortnite is secretly a neo-liberal conspiracy or something. #ReverseGamergate lives!
