I Think All This Freedom is Bad for Me. Should I Move to China?

Yo, what’s up, my free-spirited comrades? It’s your boy THE JEFF here, and I’ve got something to confess. I’m starting to feel like maybe…just maybe…I need more structure in my life. And I’m not talking about some half-assed New Year’s resolution or a dumb diet plan where I eat only plantains. No, no, no. I’m talking about something REALLY big. Something JEFF-changing.

I’m talking about moving to China.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “THE JEFF, have you lost your goddamn mind? You, the guy who once got kicked out of Burning Man for being too wild, too crazy, too fucking free? The guy who once wrote an entire book about the joys of being a digital nomad? What the hell is wrong with you?”

But hear me out, my little freedom-loving friends. Because there’s something about the structure, the discipline, the downright authoritarian nature of the Chinese way of life that just speaks to me. It’s like a siren song, calling me towards a life of order, of purpose, of being told exactly what the fuck to do every single day.

Think about it. In China, everything is planned out for you. Your job, your housing, your leisure time, even your fucking haircuts are regulated by the government. And you know what? That sounds fucking amazing to me right now.

I mean, think about how much time we waste in the West, trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. Should I go to Florida or brunch? Should I start that new hobby or just Netflix and chill? It’s exhausting, man. Exhausting.

But in China, none of that exists. You wake up, you go to work, you do what you’re told, and then you go home and watch state-approved television until you fall asleep. It’s like a fucking dream come true.

Plus, can we talk about the food? Sure, you might not be able to get a decent burrito in Beijing, but holy shit, the dumplings. The noodles. The spicy, flavorful, soul-satisfying goodness of Hot Pot. It’s enough to make me want to renounce my American citizenship and pledge allegiance to the other motherland, baby.

And let’s not forget about the culture. The rich history, the stunning architecture, the complete and utter lack of free speech. It’s like a different world over there, and I want in.

But wait, there’s more. In China, you don’t have to worry about things like “freedom” or “democracy” or any of that other bullshit. You just do what you’re told, and everything runs like a well-oiled machine. No more political debates, no more arguing with your crazy uncle on Facebook, no more wondering if your vote actually matters. In China, you know damn well that your vote doesn’t matter, because there is no vote. It’s liberating, man. Truly fucking liberating.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “THE JEFF, are you sure about this? Have you thought it through?”

And to that, I say: FUCK NO, I haven’t thought it through. That’s the beauty of it, man. I’m just gonna up and move to China, no planning, no preparation, no nothing. Because that’s how I roll. That’s how THE JEFF operates. At least until I get to China, that is.

So, what do you say, my little comrades? Ready to join me on this wild, crazy, structure-filled ride? Ready to trade in your freedom for a life of sweet, sweet conformity?

Meet me in Beijing, baby. And remember: in China, THE JEFF is always right. Because in China, everyone has to say that THE JEFF is always right. Because THE JEFF always agrees with the authorities in China.

Until next time, keep it real. And by “real,” I mean “super fucking fake.”

THE JEFF OUT.