We Will Woke-ify Everything Until You Stop Having Preferences. Next Up: Chick-Fil-X

That’s right, Trumpies! Woke’s back like Shaft, and this time, he’s not going to let himself be denied!

Chik-fil-a (that’s not their name but I refuse to help them get any Google points because I am a true antifacist), a restaurant with strong Christian values, is the next target of the woke mob (me). They have been accused of homophobia and racism, and it’s time for a reckoning. Here’s how we’ll do it:

First, we need to stop eating at Chik-fil-a (I refuse to acknowledge the “c” in “Chick” because Chick has the word “ick” in it) and stop giving them money. If we really want to take a stand, we can’t do business with homophobic bigots.

Next, we need to force them to rebrand as Chick-Fil-X. “Fil” sounds a bit fascist for my taste, and the X will make it sound more inclusive and intersectional. I’ve heard it’s a favourite letter amongst LGBTQ folks. I assume this because they use a lot of “X” when I call them names and get angry when I call them out for intellectual impurity. Gentle Reminder that you don’t get a say in anything.

We also need to remove all the Bible verses from their cups. That’s offensive to all the people out there who aren’t religious, especially atheists and Muslims who don’t even like Jesus or his dumb beard. There are many ways to remove these offensive messages, and I have already written a new message for you to suggest when you call. I suggest you also write some yourself, so they can’t trace it back to the source (me) and silence the messenger (me):

“Eat Our Homonormative Food or Be Burned at the Stake by Satan” – This is a good, catchy message that sends a message about being inclusive and nonjudgmental while not promoting any kind of discrimination against nonbelievers. It’s a win-win.

So, Chic-Fil-X, you better agree to these terms, or you’ll have to deal with us. Gentle Reminder.

Now that we’ve dealt with the chicken sandwiches, get ready for the war on Christmas. Gentle…ah, you get it.