Ubisoft Develops New AI to Replace Gamers

In a stunning display of innovation, Ubisoft has unveiled plans to develop an advanced artificial intelligence capable of purchasing, playing, and even “appreciating” their latest releases, irrespective of audience reception or quality. This bold move comes in response to the recent trend of “gamers” ignoring mainstream gaming outlets and exercising greater discretion in their purchasing decisions, a development that has left the embattled developer grappling with dwindling sales and mounting frustration from shareholders and games journalists.

Speaking exclusively to us, a Ubisoft spokesperson revealed that the cutting-edge AI, tentatively dubbed “UbiBots,” will be designed to mimic the behavior of die-hard fans, eagerly snapping up every new title the moment it hits the shelves. “UbiBots will be programmed to love our games unconditionally,” the spokesperson gushed. “They’ll buy every DLC, every season pass, and they’ll do it all with a smile on their faces – or whatever the robot equivalent is.”

This groundbreaking technology is expected to revolutionize the gaming industry, rendering player feedback and consumer satisfaction largely obsolete. “Why bother listening to the whims of finicky gamers when we can just create our own perfect customers?” the Ubisoft representative quipped. “UbiBots will be our new target audience, and they’ll be far more loyal than any human gamer could ever be.”

While some might argue that this is a desperate attempt to boost sales in the face of declining consumer confidence, Ubisoft remains unfazed. “This isn’t about sales,” the spokesperson insisted. “It’s about creating an audience that truly appreciates our creative vision, free from the constraints of criticism or common sense.”

With UbiBots on the horizon, it seems that Ubisoft is poised to usher in a new era of game development – one where the only opinions that matter are those of their artificially manufactured fanbase. As for the gamers who dared to reject the publisher’s latest offerings? Well, they’ll just have to find someone else to cater to their whims. Ubisoft has moved on, and they’re taking the future of gaming with them, one obedient AI at a time.

Games Journalist Flavian Braggadoccio, in this very article for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM, quoted himself: “It’s disappointing, but not surprising, that AAA game companies have to come up with alternatives to traditional customers. We’ve known, and warned for a long time that ‘gamers’ are over; that time has been made manifest in reality. Now, I can finally write progressive ‘truths’, and corporately-controlled uber-gamers will agree instead of going on Youtube and yelling at me.”