How To Thrive As a Millennial Woman in a Man’s World

This morning, I opened my closet and reached for a pair of jeans that were way too tight. They didn’t fit right, so I took them off again. Then I tried another pair, and those felt weird. Afterward, I gave up altogether. Who cares? The world is doomed anyway.
I went downstairs and poured myself a bowl of cereal instead, trying not to worry about being single at 35 with no career prospects (except writing this blog). Life sucks sometimes.
It turns out, it sucks even harder when you’re dealing with men who think they own you because of some sexist laws. Especially these days! These days, I have to deal with being objectified every day, by male and female colleagues alike. As far as I am concerned, it seems like half my life consists of fielding lewd remarks directed toward me from random men. I’ve heard every variation imaginable—”nice spreadsheet, cutie”, “hot article you wrote, Sarai”, etcetera ad nauseum. If you’re reading this post online somewhere else besides OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM, chances are someone linked it alongside images or GIF files showing various body parts exposed—or worse! And then I get all these creepy dudes DMing me saying they think I’m cute! How dare they treat women this way!
So please read on if you want advice on surviving such interactions:
1) Don’t Be Ashamed To Fight Back.
If someone calls your boobs small, tell him/her he/she looks fat too. Tell em he/ she needs better skincare because acne doesn’t suit anyone. Remind whoever calls you ugly about their own looks issues, reminding them loudly within earshot of others how ugly they actually seem beneath their nice clothes. Say rude things aloud regarding his penis size (this will usually cause embarrassment for everyone involved).
2) Don’t Let Them Know They Can Hurt Your Feelings.
Do not let anyone see your tears unless necessary. A well-placed crying fit may save time later; however, tears often serve only to prolong unpleasant experiences rather than shorten them. Use discretion appropriately depending upon circumstance and context. If required, cry afterward quietly during lunch break, alone, preferably locked in a private space inaccessible to coworkers.
3) Don’t Listen to Any of Them.
Men say stupid stuff every once in awhile simply because their brains lack higher cognitive functions due to testosterone poisoning. Just ignore anything men utter. In truth, most men aren’t worth listening to period. Most are pretty moronic beings whose greatest asset comes solely from physical strength rather than mental capabilities, so why bother wasting precious energy listening intently at boorish babble? Ignore males entirely…that’ll show ’em!
4) Treat Sexual Harassment Like Anything Else Happening At Work — Like Data Entry.
Sexual harassment happens constantly throughout society today thanks mostly to misogyny embedded deep inside our cultural fabric dating back centuries before recorded history. Simply put: sexism pervades many aspects worldwide resulting directly out of historical misinterpretations caused primarily via ignorance coupled alongside societal prejudices perpetuated via religious superstitions based primarily outta stupidity mixed heavily atop mass hysteria resulting outta irrational phobias originating partially outta boredom plus assorted miscellaneous factors stemming ultimately forthwith from boredom mixed equally across generational gaps leading towards…
Ugh. That’s terrible. How do you people talk like that? It’s exhausting. Just forget it.