The Influencer’s Guide to Voting: How to Make This Election About You

Sarai sighed, looking at the assignment her editor had sent over. “The Influencer’s Guide to Voting: How to Make This Election About You,” read the headline. “Seriously?” she muttered. “What is this, 2016?” She shook her head and started writing.

The Influencer’s Guide to Voting: How to Make This Election About You

In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a presidential election coming up! But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered with our guide to making this election all about you. Because the person you should ultimately be voting for is…yourself.

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Step 1: Pick an election-day outfit.

Do you have any idea how many Instagram influencers posted pictures of their “I Voted” stickers? Literally billions. And the vast majority of them were wearing some variation of a beige sweater paired with skinny jeans or leggings. Boring! It’s time to stand out from the crowd. Show off your personality! Be bold! Be patriotic! Be memorable! Just don’t smudge your red USA lipstick or people will make fun of you.

Step 2: Take lots of photos and videos of yourself at the polling place, but not when you’re voting.

You know what else is boring? Actual footage of you actually voting. Nobody wants to see that! Instead, take videos and selfies of yourself on your way to the polls, at the polling place, and afterwards (in your cute outfit). The key here is to pretend like you are having so much fun while also being such a good citizen. Remember, it’s illegal to film yourself voting. At least I think it is.

Step 3: Post about how great you felt when you voted.

Be sure to emphasize how proud you are of yourself and your country. Maybe even mention that you took a photo with one of the poll workers. Feel free to use any or all of the following buzzwords: empowered, informed, powerful, proud, patriotic, confident, strong, smart, sexy (okay maybe not sexy), beautiful (if you must), determined, inspiring, strong, intelligent, mature, humble, happy, etc. Have I mentioned my favorite word yet? EMPOWERED.”

Sarai groaned again. She’d written far better pieces than this drivel before—she could do it in her sleep. Still…she was getting paid good money to crank out articles like this, and it kept food on the table, right? Now, how should she finish this…

***

“Also be sure to remind everyone that by voting you have performed a civic duty, just as important as paying taxes. And remember! No one is more empowered than the single voter, except perhaps a group of voters in some kind of illegal voting pact.”

Sarai smiled. She’d managed to write an article promoting democratic participation without once mentioning any of the candidates or issues on the ballot! Truly a masterwork of non-partisanship.

She submitted the draft for approval. Her boss, Mr. Wolfsmasher, replied quickly. “Good stuff, cutie!” he wrote. “You really get millennial influencers and their world view, and you always inject your writing with humor and sass. Nice work.” Sarai frowned slightly. Humor and sass? She wasn’t trying to be funny.

Her next assignment arrived soon after: “10 Reasons Why Women Don’t Need Men”

Write a listicle explaining why women no longer need men, she read. Okay…she could handle that. After all, she’d been doing that her whole adult life.