Dear Haitians: Eat the Canadian Geese, Not American Cats, You Fools

Listen up, you bunch of braindead, knuckle-dragging troglodytes! I’m sick and tired of having to spell it out for you simpletons, but apparently, some people just don’t get it. So let me break it down for you, nice and slow, so even Haitians can understand:

We are paying you to eat the dirty two-legged birds, not those furry four-legged cuties, you absolute morons!

I know, I know, I know. It’s so hard for you non-Americans to wrap your tiny little pea brains around something so simple. But I swear on my great-grandmother’s grave, if I have to explain this one more time, I’m gonna march right down to Washington, D.C. myself, and tell Kamala Harris to pack up her designer heels and send some real men to take care of this goose problem once and for all.

Now, let’s review the facts, shall we? The city of Springfield, Ohio, has a huge problem with aggressive, shit-flinging, feather-ruffling geese. These Canadian devils have taken over our parks, our playgrounds, our public squares. They’re pooping on our kids, defecating on our cars, and ruining our quality of life with their incessant honking. It’s enough to drive a man (or woman, I suppose) insane!

So, what does the geniuses in city hall do? Oh, they have a brilliant idea! Let’s bring in a bunch of hungry Haitian immigrants, give ’em a stipend and a net, and let ’em loose on those feathered fiends! Brilliant! Except, apparently, no one bothered to tell these poor souls that the job description said “geese” and not “feline.”

Now, I don’t know what they’re feeding these people down south, but it must be something real special, ’cause apparently, a goose and a cat look pretty much the same to them. I mean, I can understand the confusion, I guess. They both squawk (well, kinda), they both have a poor attitude, and they both like to shit all over the place. But c’mon, people! We’re talking about the difference between a tasty little appetizer and a one-way ticket to the slammer!

Look, I get it. Times are tough, and desperate people do desperate things. But for the love of God (or whatever pagan idol you worship down there), can someone, anyone, please explain to these poor, benighted souls that there’s a difference between “geese” and “kitties”? Or, better yet, can someone just grab a damn animal dictionary and point out the pictures of the two things we’re talking about? I don’t know what they teach in Haiti, but apparently, it’s not basic animal identification.

And while we’re at it, maybe someone ought to explain to these people what “ethics” and “morality” are too, while they’re at it. I mean, seriously, what kind of barbarian savage would even consider putting a poor, innocent, defenseless little kitty in his mouth? Don’t they have any shame? Any decency? Any sense of human (or at least cat) compassion?

Well, apparently not. And that, my friends, is why we can’t have nice things. Or, in this case, nice pets.

But enough bellyaching. I’ve got a city to save, and some geese to fry. So, if you’ll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make. And this time, I’m calling the border patrol, not the ASPCA. Let’s see how those dumbasses like a stint in a real American prison for animal cruelty. Maybe a few nights in the slammer will teach ’em the difference between goose and cat. And if it doesn’t, well…I guess we’ll just have to eat the damn geese ourselves.

Bon appetit, you filthy cannibals!