I’m a Gamer. I Only Like Games Where I Run Away and Die All the Time

Dark Souls is a series of difficult, rewarding RPGs that have tested the patience and skill of gamers everywhere. It’s the ultimate test of endurance, and you either sink or swim. There’s no easy mode, and if you want to reach the top, you have to earn it. If you want to beat any enemy, from bosses to the lowliest Burger King-looking trash mobs, you have to learn a complex series of patterns that include dodge rolls, split-second parries, drinking health potions, running away like a bitch, and dying anyway.

Real gamers know the only way to have fun is by having so little fun that you want to throw your controller out the window. And they love it! Even when they die a million times, they’re motivated to get better, try harder, and push through. That’s the true spirit of a real gamer, and anyone who says otherwise probably takes shortcuts everywhere in life, which makes them a bad person.

There are no cheat codes or easy modes in Dark Souls, and if there were, the series would be super lame. It’s a game that pushes your boundaries and makes you better.

For me, gaming is about bragging to other people about what you did, not about having fun. Real gamers are the ones who spend hours in a dungeon, fighting a boss over and over, until they get the timing right and triumph. It’s not for the faint of heart, or SJWs, or even people with jobs. It’s a gamer thing, you wouldn’t understand. Especially if you’re a Games Journalist.

So, the next time someone asks if you can spare a bit of help or guidance in a game, just mock them for being a loser and then walk away. It’s better that they learn the hard way, just like you did, and just like we all did, except for the fake gamer girls who get guys to finish games for them. You know who you are, Pokimane.

Anyhoo, enough talking about Dark Souls. I’m going to go back to running away and dying while people online troll me for being a “tryhard.” Yes, I try hard. That’s why I’m better than you.