Science Discovers Thing That Disproves All Previous Science – “You Must Believe This, Not That, Now.”
Brace yourselves, people, because the ground beneath our feet is trembling, and everything you thought you knew is about to come crashing down around you. That’s right; science has done it again! Those meddling scientists in their lab coats, with their fancy degrees, and their pesky little things called “facts” have gone and turned our entire world upside-down with a new earth-shattering discovery that makes all of yesterday’s discoveries look like yesterday’s news. Throw away everything you know, because science was wrong about all that. We know this, because science is now correct.
You might be skeptical. You might be saying, “Karen, if science was all wrong yesterday, how do we know that today’s science won’t be wrong tomorrow?” This is where the scientific word PROBABLY comes in. It means that science is 100% absolutely true, no question about it, and that may change tomorrow.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Science was so sure about climate change, vaccines, and the whole ’round earth’ thing, and now they’re telling me it was wrong all along?” Wrong! I mean, right! Or wrong! Whatever! The point is, science isn’t infallible. In fact, science is always evolving, constantly questioning itself, and willing to admit when it’s wrong. That’s what makes it so science-y! And if science is wrong about something, it’s because new, better, more science has come along to correct its past mistakes. It’s called progress, baby! The most important thing is that you repeat today’s science, so you don’t sound dumb.
But enough about boring scientific history (yawn). Let’s talk about what’s really important: WHAT IS THIS NEW, LIFE-CHANGING, WORLD-REVOLVING, PARADIGM-SHIFTING DISCOVERY THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING WE THOUGHT WE KNEW ABOUT EVERYTHING, FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN?!
Drumroll please…
TA-DA!
Science has finally, officially, probably, maybe, almost definitely, conclusively, absolutely, 99.9999% positively, irrefutably, undeniably, unquestionably, and unequivocally proven, beyond any shadow of a doubt, with a margin of error so small you’d need an electron microscope to see it, that…
*drum roll intensifies*
…oh, wait…nevermind. They just changed the story again. Just when we thought we had life by the tail, it escaped again. Oh, well. It’s a good thing science is on the case, right?
Now if only science could help me find an under-documented latinx woman to do my housework so I can spend more time reading Popular Science, it would really be on to something!
