Are You Safe? Probably Not. Here’s Why.

As a millennial writer for yet another failing clickbait website, I would love to reassure you that you’re safe. You’re not. Have you ever really, really (I mean really) thought about the following vectors for unsafeness? Probably not.

1. Your Phone: You’ve probably heard of the dangers of smartphone radiation, but have you considered the dangers of someone tapping into your phone to spy on you? How about the dangers of your phone being used to identify your location and track your movements, so stalkers can find you and see what you ate for lunch?

2. Your House: It’s easy to assume your house is safe, but have you checked the windows for peepers or cameras or microphones? What about your couch or rug or coffee table? Those could be bugged too! Also, the walls are paper-thin, so you never know if someone could be listening in using a glass held up to the wall like in olden times.

3. Your Car: Your car is a quite frankly a death trap waiting to happen. Besides the obvious dangers of a car crash or an engine fire, there are more subtle dangers, like the cars around you. Some have been known to have lasers that scan your license plate, and other so-called “self-driven” cars have been programmed to run you off the road. Just be careful. Trust me, I was once a van life influencer.

4. Your Food: Ever heard of food poisoning or contaminated food or poisoned products? Just because you buy organic and read labels and think you’re being healthy, you could still end up sick or dying or both. You never know. Especially if you’re eating out. And if you die when eating out, you can’t even sue the restaurant if you’ve ever once signed up for a free trial Disney Plus subscription. It’s true, Google it.

5. Your Dumb Friends: Yeah, your friends. You know the ones who always joke about how they’re going to steal your wallet or put poison in your coffee or kidnap your child? They’re probably not joking. And if they are, then they’re probably going to do it anyway. So watch out, or you’ll find yourself in a murder-suicide pact, wondering how things got so crazy.

Some may say I’m being dramatic with all these reasons, but those people are lying to you. It’s like they’re part of an elite cabal of Illuminati or something, and they’re keeping you in the dark about your own safety. Just trust me, and remember: safety first!

You’re not safe. None of us are. Especially if you’ve ever had an orgasm or have at least one parent or have ever accidentally looked into someone’s eyes or have any interest in fashion or romance or money or world domination or puppies or ice cream or happiness or van life influencing. Basically, we’re all doomed. Sorry. #notsorry