Why You Should Never Microwave Your Food, and What You Should Do Instead.

My fellow liberals and enlightened citizens, it’s high time we talk about the silent danger that lurks in the kitchens of millions of homes across this great nation: the microwave oven. Those who know me know I’m fiercely committed to safeguarding the health and wellbeing of the people, especially the most vulnerable among us. As a millennial and a proud Joe Biden (and now Kamala ‘Giga Mind” Harris) supporter, I’ve done my research on this topic, and the news is both infuriating and actionable.

Microwaves, it turns out, emit radiation that can damage our DNA. That’s right, microwave ovens fire a kind of radiation at your food (and, remember, your leftover hamburger is practically you), causing structural changes in our DNA. It’s been shown that this radiation destroys your food’s nutrients leaving the contents, at best, a starchy, flavorless mass, barely worth your attention. <small>(source: some internet guy)</small>

It’s been claimed that the food warmed this way, could be even more dangerous than the radiation, as the structure of the water molecules, fundamental to life itself, is altered. Think of a beautiful glass of clean, sparkling water, and that same water microwaved to literal death, fam. <small>(source: blue dot therapy) </small>

What’s a conscientious suburban wine mom and supreme girlboss to do? Well, here’s a radical idea: hire an underemployed person to sit on your food for a warm-up. I bet your burrito, left under the loving butt of a good-hearted, warm person will not only pamper you with warmness but also with a warm feeling of solidarity. More importantly, it will keep your microwave at bay for a day, and maybe even a lifetime! After all, if you believe in the counsel of the wise thinkers, a warmed meal warmed this way might just bring about (literally, not figuratively) the end of our world. So, if you really care about your health and our society’s proper functioning. Keep your bum in order and your food’s butts out of the microwave.

Would be grateful for any feedback. Wait, who am I kidding? No, I wouldn’t. Just do what I say.