Westward Hoes!: All My Friends Who Moved to Texas Are Trying to Move Back – And They’re Dumber Than Me

If you’re a millennial on the East Coast, you’ve probably had a friend or two leave for the Wild West in Texas. And if you’re an old millennial who has seen your friends make that exact same mistake, then you probably don’t care very much, because you’re not the one who had to pack and move. But, I have a bone to pick with those cowboys and cowgirls.

First, Texas is hot. It’s hot, and it’s humid, and it’s weird. They eat weird foods, and they say “y’all” a lot, and they have weird accents, and they don’t have good public transportation, and they hate wearing pants. I mean, what? No more fun than a city, if you ask me.

Second, Texas isn’t really a place where people make a lot of money or have a lot of opportunities. In the East, we have jobs and cool neighborhoods and celebrities and museums and the best pizza in the world. But in Texas? I heard they eat a lot of barbeque, but other than that, there’s not much to do except wait for the next hurricane or sit in traffic in pothole-ridden streets.

Finally, Texas is just really, really flat, and that’s kind of boring and uninspiring, and I don’t really know why anyone would want to live there. Why not live in a fun place like Brooklyn or Manhattan or LA or NYC or any of the exciting and bustling cities in the Northeast. So, in conclusion, I think your friends made a huge mistake.

So, yeah, your friends are trying to move back. And they’re just as stuck and bored and sweaty as they were before they left. That’s life, y’all! Well, not you. You’re smarter than them. Good for you!

In conclusion, if you’re ever thinking of moving to Texas, just don’t do it. You can save everyone a lot of trouble by staying where you are, eating sushi, and talking to your friends on a video call. They’re missing you and your wit and charm and fashion sense, so don’t let them down! Stay in the East Coast and be better than they were.

P.S. – I don’t mean a word of this, I’m just trying to justify my life choices. It’s totally working. Just kidding. Please don’t sue me. KIDDING. I hope!

P.P.S. – Also, have you seen how good the Mexican food is in Texas? Wow, it’s really good.

P.P.P.S. – You’d be crazy to turn that down, yo.

PPPP.S. – I should stop writing this before my cool New York friends disown me like they did to Claire. You can never tell, amirite?

P.P.P.P.S. – But really, don’t tell them I said that. They’ll just have to figure it out for themselves. #notsponsored #sorryclaire

PPPPPP.S. – Oh, who am I kidding? Claire’s fine. She’s having the time of her life in Austin, drinking beer and doing yoga and taking her kids to zoos and museums. Probably – I don’t know, I disowned her.