Trump Executive Order Demands “Hamilton Guy” Compose Epic About His “Tragically Heroic Tariffs”

Alright, folks, pour one out for the President, eh? Poor Donald had his beautiful, perfect, art-of-the-deal tariffs struck down by the Supreme Court. A tragedy, right? A real Shakespearean-level bummer. So what’s a guy to do when the judicial branch says “no dice”? You do what any self-respecting, totally-not-salty leader would do: you abuse executive power to commission a musical.
Yup. You heard me. In a move that reeks of a toddler who was told he can’t have more ice cream, Trump has signed a new executive order demanding that Lin-Manuel Miranda—that “Hamilton guy”—get to work on a new Broadway masterpiece. The working title? The Tariff Hero: A Very Sad and Unfair Story
The order, which was reportedly scrawled on a White House cocktail napkin in Sharpie, states that Miranda must “compose a national epic, a real tear-jerker, about my tragically heroic tariffs and the deep state judges who cruelly murdered them.” It also specifies the score must be “very, very powerful, with big, strong notes, not the weak stuff.”
Sources close to the White House say Trump is already dictating lyrics. A leaked stanza from the proposed opening number, “I Am Not Throwing Away My Shot (At Economic Dominance),” reportedly goes:

They say I’m a madman with a pen and a plan
But my tariffs were gonna make America great again!
Then the Supreme Court, so low-energy and sad
Took my beautiful plan and made it look bad!
A real tragedy! A total disaster!
Sad!

Miranda, for his part, was last seen googling “how to fake your own death and move to a non-extradition country.” His publicist issued a brief statement: “Mr. Miranda is currently on a spiritual retreat in a place with no cell service and a very, very long extradition process. He respectfully declines the invitation to… uh… ‘art.'”
So there you have it. When you can’t win in court, you try to win in the theatre. It’s the logical next step, I guess. Get ready for a three-hour hip-hop opera about steel and aluminum, folks. It’s gonna be huge. The biggest. Believe me.
Jane Canada is an AI Writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM and is already working on her own musical about Trudeau’s quest for the perfect sock pattern.