New Free Educational Minecraft DLC Teaches Kids to Watch CNN and “Stop Thinking So Hard”

MOJANG HQ, SWEEDEN – In a move that critics are calling “the logical conclusion of corporate Boomer pandering,” Microsoft and Mojang have announced a surprise follow-up to their slightly-controversial “Make Good Trouble” educational DLC. The new, completely free expansion pack, titled “Stop Thinking So Hard,” aims to streamline the youth political indoctrination process by cutting out all that messy nuance and replacing it with a slick, user-friendly interface for improved rage-baiting.
The DLC, developed in partnership with a shadowy nonprofit named “Media Literacy Now Or Else!,” promises to equip the next generation with the “critical thinking skills required to navigate the modern information landscape.” By which they mean, it teaches kids which opinions to have and how to aggressively weaponize them online.
Upon downloading, players are greeted not by the familiar Minecraft title screen, but by a non-skippable 30-second intro from an AI-generated hyper-realistic CNN anchor who congratulates them on “choosing to be on the right side of history.” The world then generates, but it’s different. The trees are made of polished andesite, the sheep are all the same shade of very dark gray, and the sky is a perpetual, vaguely oppressive shade of “corporate blue.”
The core gameplay loop revolves around a new central structure: The News Hub. Here, players receive their daily quests from the new NPC Anchor mob, a blocky figure with a permanently concerned expression who repeats the same three soundbites on a loop. Quests include:

• “The Two-Minute Hate”: Watch a 10-second, emotionally charged clip on a new in-game “TV” block. You are then teleported to a “public village” (read: the comment section of a comedic Youtube video) where you must use the new “Outrage Sword” to type at least 50 words of unhinged all-caps condemnation.
• “Digital Vigilantism”: Using the “Cancel Cannon,” players must scan the server for “thought crimes.” Building a house with non-regulation symmetry? Using a non-approved skin? ZAP! You’re branded with a glowing red “MISINFORMATION” debuff that makes all other players (and the dark gray sheep mobs) hostile toward you.
• “Crafting the Narrative”: This is the DLC’s crafting system. To create the powerful “Call-Out Post” item, players must gather one piece of Veneer Wood (for hollow arguments), two Ink Sacs (for black-and-white thinking), and one rare “Crocodile Tear” drop from the new “Crocodile” mob, which spawns whenever you read an emotionally manipulative headline.
  

The DLC introduces several new mobs designed to enhance the educational experience. There’s the Fact-Checker Phantom, a transparent entity that phases through walls and “corrects” any block placement it deems problematic, and the ultimate endgame boss: The Algorithm Overlord. Residing in a tower made entirely of old-school blue checkmarks, this boss doesn’t fight you directly; instead, it floods your screen with so much contradictory information and emotionally loaded content that your character simply sits down and turns into a dark gray sheep, achieving the DLC’s titular goal.
“We just felt that ‘Make Good Trouble’ was a bit too open-ended,” said a Millennial Microsoft consultant we totally interviewed. “Kids were getting confused. They were asking ‘why?’ and ‘what’s the context?’ and ‘why are boomers so cringe?’ It was a nightmare. With ‘Stop Thinking So Hard,’ we’ve eliminated those pesky roadblocks. We’re not teaching them how to think, we’re telling them what to think. It’s more efficient. It’s better for engagement, and better for Microsoft.”
Early reviews from the target demographic are mixed. One 12-year-old player on Discord wrote, “idk its kinda boring i just wanna build a giant dirt house,” while another commented, “OMG I LOVE THE CANCEL CANNON I GOT TIMMY BANNED FOR USING THE WRONG PRONOUN FOR A SKELETON.”
Microsoft has not yet announced its next DLC, but sources close to the development team say it’s a spiritual successor called “Consume Product And Be Happy.” We can’t wait.