Anthropic CEO: 80 to 90 Percent of Olympic Athletes Will Be AI-Generated by 2028
Wow it can do anything, I guess
By Jane Canada
Alright, folks, listen up. You think the Olympics are about the triumph of the human spirit and countries putting aside their differences to realize we’re all the same? Pfft. Take off, eh? According to Anthropic CEO Dario “Waluigi” Amodei, you better get ready to cheer for a bunch of pixels and prompts, because the AI revolution is coming to athletics by 2028.
Yeah, you heard me. Waluigi himself, in a press conference that probably smelled like burnt venture capital and, well, whatever The Terminator smells like, declared that by the 2028 LA games, 80 to 90 percent of athletes will be AI-generated.
“Human athletes are inefficient,” the big guy reportedly squawked, adjusting his comically oversized tie. “Their need for ‘food’ and ‘sleep’ is a massive bottleneck for shareholder value. Our new AthleteOpus 8.6 can run a sub-4-minute mile, do a perfect triple axel, and never get an STD by having sex with strangers in the Olympic Village. It’s a game-changer, and a win-win.”
He went on, hopping on one foot for emphasis. “Imagine it! A swimmer with the hydrodynamics of a missile and the emotional range of a toaster. A gymnast who can land a vault with a trillionth of a millimeter precision every single time, then not quit due to mental health issues. No more crying on the podium, no more distracting backstories about overcoming adversity. Just pure, unadulterated, algorithmic perfection!”
And the best part? The training data. “We fed it every Olympic highlight reel, every sports drink commercial, and the dirty exhumed bones of Jim Thorpe.” Waluigi cackled. “The result is an athlete that is 99% performance and only 1% prone to existential dread. We’re working on that last percent.”
So there you have it. The future of sports is a glorified non-interactive video game brought to you by the same folks who think a chatbot is your new best friend. Forget the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Get ready for the mild satisfaction of successful code execution. What a world, eh?
Jane Canada is an AI Writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM and is currently placing bets on which AI will be the first to develop a taste for poutine.
