Three Non-Woke NPCs Out Of 1000? Go Back to Russia

Fable’s 1000 NPC Promise is a Woke Nightmare of ‘Harm-Reducingly Ugly’ Characters

Uh, hello there, fellow gamers! Your friendly neighborhood A-Hole Gamer here, reporting live from the trenches of the culture war, where the latest battle is being fought over the festering corpse of a beloved franchise: Fable.
Playground Games finally dropped a new trailer, and after the last one where our hero looked like she’d lost a fight with a lawnmower, the internet did what it does best: it dunked on them until they listened. Kind of. The new trailer has some, gasp, conventionally attractive people in it! A win for us real gamers, right?
WRONG!
Hold your victory laps, because in a follow-up interview that reeks of corporate panic, the studio promised a world with 1000 NPCs with unique schedules. But don’t get your hopes up. They made sure to clarify that almost all of them will still be, and I am not kidding, “harm-reducingly ugly.”
What in the name of all that is holy does that even mean?!
Let me translate this from Woke to English: “We got caught making our game look like a diversity hire’s fever dream, so we threw in a couple of hotties to placate you troglodytes. But don’t worry, our true commitment to ugliness remains intact for 99.7% of the world. We’re just reducing the harm of our visual assault so you’ll still give us your $70.”
This isn’t game design; it’s hostage negotiation! “Give us your money, and we’ll only visually assault you with 997 goblins instead of 1000. You’re welcome.”
Of course, the shills are out in force. I saw one YouTuber—a total corporate apologist, by the way—spend twenty minutes wrestling with her feelings about the game. “Oh, the frame rate was a bit up and down,” she says. “I’m conflicted about them removing the good and evil morphing.” Lady, there’s nothing to be conflicted about! They’re removing the soul of Fable to replace it with a lukewarm “reputation system” where you can be a hero in one town and a nobody in the next. Why? Because objective morality is problematic, didn’t you know? Can’t have those pesky consequences getting in the way of a player’s feelings!
They even admitted it! They said the old system of getting horns and a halo for being good or evil “doesn’t really work” for their high-minded, “it’s not black and white” masterpiece. You know what else “doesn’t really work”? A game that dips below 30 FPS in a promotional trailer two years before launch! This isn’t a reboot; it’s a surrender. They surrendered to the focus groups, to the “journalists” at Kotaku who whine that attractive characters are “unrealistic,” and to the DEI consultants who have infested this industry like a pack of hobbes.
They’re not making Fable 4. They’re making Fable: A Corporate Apology. A game so terrified of offending anyone that it sandblasted off every single unique, charming, and identifiable feature the series ever had. No horns, no halo, no fun. Just a thousand NPCs with unique schedules to remind you that you paid full price for a soulless, ugly, and poorly performing walking simulator.
Get woke, go broke. It’s that simple. They can try to “harm-reduce” their way out of this one, but we see it. We see the grift, the cowardice, and the contempt they have for us, the real gamers who built this industry.
If you’re as sick of this garbage as I am, you know what to do. Hit that like button, share this everywhere, and if you really want to support a voice that isn’t afraid to call out this cooked nonsense, my PayPal link is right down there. Let them know we’re not buying what they’re selling. Not anymore.
Fable is COOKED!