Democrats Go After That Clown Vote

In a move that has left political analysts screaming into their lattes and circus clowns giggling with glee, Democrats have officially launched a bid to court the “clown vote” ahead of the 2028 presidential election. Yes, you read that right – America’s opposition party is now pandering to professional clowns, street performers, and anyone “performatively clowney.” Desperation in the second Trump presidency has apparently reached juggling act levels.

“America Needs a Full-Contact Policy”

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) unveiled its new strategy during a chaotic press conference held inside a traveling circus tent outside Washington D.C. LA Mayor Karen Bass, flanked by a troupe of actual clowns, declared, “Donald Trump’s presidency has turned governance into a three-ring circus. So why not lean into it? Clowns understand chaos. They are chaos. And America’s ready for change… even if that change involves confetti cannons and rubber chickens.”

The plan includes:

A “Clown Amnesty” Program: Pardoning all clowns arrested for any reason since 2016. Yes, this includes those creepy clowns who would appear on the side of the road at 2am to scare drunk drivers. (No pardon for the drunk drivers, though).

The “Juggling Healthcare Act”: Proposing to “juggle” federal healthcare funds between emergency rooms, mental health services, and a “clown welfare fund” to buy unicycle lessons.

“Down With The Clown” Social Engineering: Proposing to redirect all pro-LGBTQIA+ funds to NGOs that try to “turn kids into clowns.”

Circus Clowns Approve… Sort Of

While mainstream politicians are cringing, circus clowns have surprisingly embraced the Democratic outreach. “Finally, someone’s speaking our language!” said Ringmaster Chuckles McFizzle, aka “The Guy Who Shoves Pie in Politicians’ Faces.” “We’re professionals who’ve spent decades making fools of ourselves for tips. The Democrats get it. They know that real power is just pretending to care while secretly pocketing the cotton candy budget.”

Not everyone’s on board, though. “This is a slap in the face to real clowns,” argued serious-clown extraordinaire Madame Guillotine, who specializes in beheading piñatas. “We’re artists! We don’t want our livelihoods reduced to a gimmick for liberal guilt tours.”

Republicans: “This Is The Deepest F***ing Drain Yet”

Republicans have responded with their trademark blend of confusion and rage. “First underwater basket weaving, now clowns? How is this legal?” tweeted Senator Daryl “No, Actually” Popka. “I demand an audit of the DNC’s clown education grants. Where’s my rubber chicken?”

Meanwhile, Trump himself doubled down on his own circus persona, announcing plans to run for re-election as “The Greatest Clown President Ever.” His campaign slogan? “Make America Giggle Again!”

The Transhumanist Take

Dr. Anya Sharma, that same wig-wearing futurist we’ve heard from earlier, weighed in: “Clowns are the future of politics. They embody the paradox of modern governance – outwardly ridiculous, yet deeply symbolic. By embracing clowns, Democrats aren’t just appealing to voters; they’re redefining what ‘legitimacy’ means in a post-truth world. Also, AI clown hybrids will be the next big thing. Trust me.”

Will It Work?

Polls are mixed. A recent OJ WolfsmasHER Dot Com survey found that 42% of voters think “clown politics” is either “brilliant” or “a step too far,” while 18% want to see a clown debate moderated by a talking kangaroo. The DNC insists the strategy is working: “If we can’t beat Trump’s chaos, we’ll join it – then flip the middle finger to the audience.”

One thing’s certain: 2028 is shaping up to be the most emotionally unhinged election in history. And somewhere, Vladimir Putin is plotting to send a seal trained to sneeze confetti.

Got a tip for Jane? Hit her up at

jane@ojwolfsmasHER.com

or @ClownVoteDNC on Twitter.