Does This Scented Candle I Took From the Work Break Room Have a Tracker Inside It?

Look, I get it. The economy is cratering. Getting anything for free feels like a little victory against the beige-flavored dystopia we’re all forced to call life. So when a box of “Free Candles for Our Amazing Team!” appeared in the OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM break room last week, I was thrilled. Who doesn’t want a “Midnight Whispers” or whatever chemical approximation of vanilla that costs three cents to produce?

I nabbed one—a little jar thing, looked fancy—and proudly marched it back to my desk, my little prize from the corporate gods. I even lit it. It smelled… suspicious. Less like vanilla and more like prying ears. My writer’s intuition, finely tuned by years of making things up for clicks, started tingling like pins and needles. So I did what any completely rational hack journalist would do. I let the wax burn down to the bottom of the jar. And you know what I found? Lurking in the puddle of molten wax, glistening up at me like the evil little beady eye of Spy vs. Spy?

A black square.

A freaking MICROCHIP right in the center of my supposedly innocent, aromatherapeutic beacon of leisure? Is this the state of America in 2025? We can’t even scented-candle-poach without The Man putting a bug up our wicks?

My first thought was OJ himself. OJ WOLFSMASHER, our benevolent tech-lord CEO, a man so rich he probably buys new islands when he’s bored. Maybe he’s not the relaxed, “crush your enemies until they become your friends” genius he plays on the internet. Maybe he’s a micromanager on a cosmic scale. Has his content farming become so automated that he needs to track our idle moments down to the scent molecule?

I ran a diagnostic on the black square. It doesn’t seem to have GPS capabilities, but diagnostics can be deceiving. The real tracking might be low frequency. Or hyper frequency. This stuff is probably Area 51-level tech for corporate creeps. Every time I took a five minute break to stare out the window and contemplate the void, he’d know. Each time I ate a third snack—a free-break room perk! That OJ wants us to enjoy? Or does he?

Just think of all the data they could be gathering! “Slamara burned the candle at a rapid pace, signifying job-related stress… time to deny her that raise and suggest corporate meditation classes.” or “She kept the candle on during lunch while doom-scrolling… cross-reference with her recent social media activity complaining about the thermostat. We’ve located the new ringleader for the office mutiny.”

Maybe OJ sells the information back to some evil advertising firm? “Slamara Cavendorsch’s burn-rate suggests she’s an anxious decision-maker and would likely respond to ads focusing on quick-fix products, including but not limited to fast-drying nail polish and instant ramen.” That’s invasive. The Candle Lobby might be getting all sorts of data these days, now my whole scent profile might be on a government watchlist.

I did NOT consent to my work-smell being tracked and sold to the highest-bidding lizard person! These freebies are Trojan horses, people. Think about that! A box of donuts? They probably want to sample your DNA to see if you’re part monkey. The extra cases of La Croix in the fridge? A secret chemical agent in the Pamplemousse flavor to make you more agreeable to unpaid overtime! And that coffee maker they installed last month? That thing’s listening for subversive chit-chat, I betcha.

So, if you see a box of “free” anything in the break room, you should smash it immediately for your privacy’s sake. Burn it? No, the fire will only register your protest on some central server in Silicon Valley. Smashing is always the way. Or just hide it and pretend you never saw it. The less you partake, the less they know. I’m currently in my car typing this with the candle on the passenger seat wrapped in 50 layers of aluminum foil (the only proven Faraday cage tech for the budget-conscious dissident).

Let this be a warning. The only thing they want to give you for free in this economy is a life sentence on the government tracker network. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy some burner phone-verified scented candles off the dark web. It’s the only way to be safe anymore.